


Only the Eager, Thoughtful and Reverent

by yellowbeanieholder



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Lesbian Relationship, College, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lesbian Character, Light Angst, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28412937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowbeanieholder/pseuds/yellowbeanieholder
Summary: In this AU, the girls are all friends attending the same college. Toni and Martha are best friends since day 1. Shelby is Martha's roommate and Toni has to learn how to deal with her....Neither of the girls talked on the way to Toni’s room. They weren’t sure how to talk to each other. Casual banter didn’t feel right in the air of intimacy that the night holds and the lack of sobriety didn’t make things easy. They were outside of Toni’s building when Shelby broke the silence.“Why do you hate me?”Toni stopped, a bit surprised, and looked at the blonde girl, debating how to answer her question....
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 114
Kudos: 615





	1. A Fateful Night

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on my college AU headcanons I made on Tumblr. So a lot of details can be found there (links below)
> 
> https://idontlikedots.tumblr.com/post/638287867414757376/college-au-headcanons-cause-i-have-nothing-to-do  
> https://idontlikedots.tumblr.com/post/638382613609988096/the-wilds-college-au-headcanons-part-2#notes
> 
> It should make sense without those too tho!

Toni was getting ready to go to Fatin’s little get together. Fatin organized parties in her dorm almost every week. Each time her room was full of people dancing and drinking, most of whom Toni had never met before. This week, however, Fatin was keeping it chill. It would only be a small soiree for her friends. _You guys better show up on Saturday I barely saw you this week_ she had texted the group chat. Toni and Fatin hung out with the same people so they ultimately became friends too. 

Toni put on her blue button-up shirt and a pair of jeans and started heading to Fatin’s. She would have stopped to pick up Martha on her way there, but she would rather sit through 5 additional hours of lecture rather than be around Shelby getting ready for a party. She always put on her “makeover” playlist that solely consisted of 2000’s pop music and Taylor Swift. Toni didn’t believe in God, but if there was one, she was sure He sent Shelby to test her patience. Martha loved her roommate though and the rest of her friends seemed to vibe with Shelby a lot, so Toni tolerated her too. She just didn’t trust her, although she couldn’t pinpoint why. 

When she reached Fatin’s dorm, everyone was already there.

“Finally!” Fatin said opening the door “Who were you getting ready for that made you take so long?”

“What? No one” Toni said defensively “aren’t you the one always preaching self-love and dressing up for yourself and shit?” she added with an ironic smile.

“You want a drink?” Dot yelled from the back of the room but she was already getting a solo cup ready for her friend. 

“Sure… so did I miss anything?”

“The girls here were telling Shelby she should break up with her boyfriend. What’s your opinion?” Nora filled in.

Toni turned to see the blonde girl for the first time since she entered the room. She looked beautiful like every other time, dressed in dark jeans and a white blouse. And of course, her cross necklace was not missing. _I swear this girl can’t leave her room unless she looks like she left a fucking photoshoot_ Toni thought.

“Actually I don’t wanna hear it!” Shelby protested “Look, I know it’s not perfect but what long-distance relationship is? We have our ups and downs like any other couple but Andrew is a sweetheart”.

They have had this conversation a few times already. Dot disliked Andrew a lot, she met him when he came to visit Shelby the weekend before classes started. She was convinced he would cheat a week into the long-distance period of their relationship. Fatin was sure he already went down that path long ago.

“When was the last time you even talked to him?” Toni asked ready to jump on the opportunity to annoy Shelby.

“I don’t know like a week ago?” the Texan sighted. 

“You talk to me more often than that and you hate me!” Toni laughed.

“I don’t hate you that’s your thing” Shelby gave a mocking smile that Toni reciprocated. 

“Guys, leave her and Andrew alone! We don’t know their relationship. If Shelby is happy why do we care? Plus if you really love someone you don’t need to talk to them every day to have a strong relationship” Martha jumped in the conversation to support her roommate who gave her a sad smile and looked down.

“Anyway, I really don’t care about any stupid boyfriend shit. Leah, can you play some music?” Rachel interrupted. 

“Yes sir! What song does your heart desire?” Leah replied and Rachel just rolled her eyes. She was usually the cold one of the friend group but she had a soft spot for Leah, a consequence of spending time together in the gym. Leah put her music on shuffle and reached for another drink. _Don’t Wanna Fall In Love_ by KYLE was the first song to play. 

“Fuck, I love that song!” Toni exclaimed and rapped along the lyrics giving Fatin the opportunity to add to her instagram story. 

“Honestly I'm better as your boy! I'd be kinda shitty as your man! Let's go back to only being friends. Sorry girl, I hope you understand” Toni sang looking at Fatin’s phone.

_♪I don’t wanna fall in love ♪_

“Nope” she raised her cup.

“Yeah, okay heartbreaker.” Dot laughed.

“You know me” Toni gave a smug smile.

“Oh shut up Toni you are literally the biggest softie in this room. I’ve seen you try to flirt with girls, you are a nervous disaster.” Martha shot down her best friend and the rest of the girls laughed. 

“Not true!” 

“Um remember when that redhead asked you out and-”

“No no no, we are NOT bringing that up again! No one needs to know that story” Toni cut her off.

“I wanna hear the story,” Shelby said playfully.

“Never” Toni dragged the word as she said it and made direct eye contact for intimidation points.

“Hey Toni quick, truth or dare?” Fatin jumped, finding an opportunity to make her friends uncomfortable. They said they just couldn’t get along but all Fatin saw was sexual tension. She made a few jokes once in a while only to be met by either of the girls’ death stares.

“Fuck off Fatin” Toni growled and went for a second drink.

A few drinks later, the girls were all dancing around clumsily to Leah’s playlist. Fatin’s bigger parties were all fun but the girls were always grateful to spend some nights with just each other. There weren't many better ways to spend your Saturday night than getting drunk with your best friends. Fatin was always the last one to feel the alcohol kicking in, she had a pretty high tolerance. Martha, on the other hand, was not trained at all and so after a few drinks, she was the first one to get drunk. 

“Wait, wait, I wanna play a song,” Dot said as she stumbled to Leah’s phone. She put on _Jolene_ by Dolly Parton. “It’s missing Texas hours,” she said, looking to Shelby for approval.

“That’s a classic, I gotta give you that,” Toni said and Nora agreed.

“No but that is such an interesting song though,” Leah said a bit drunkenly “cause if you listen to it thoroughly it is actually gay. I mean the way she talks about Jolene… It’s like she is in love with her”

“How do you make everything gay?” Shelby smiled but Toni could swear she saw her make a face at the sound of Leah’s comment. 

“I am a gay English major, Shelby, that is literally my job,” Leah said with a serious tone and made her friends laugh “I mean I am bi, but you get the point”

“What? You have a problem with that?” Toni confronted Shelby.

“No that is not what I meant at all,” The girl tried to deescalate the situation “ It’s just that I never thought about it like that before”

“Yeah instead of fighting maybe you two would like to keep an eye on your kid there?” Fatin said and nodded at Martha who was napping on Fatin’s carpet in an effort to avoid serious conflict. 

“Fuck Marty, how much did you drink?” Toni asked her best friend but all she got for an answer was incoherent mumbling.

“I think it’s time to call it a night. Toni, will you help me get her back?” Shelby said and got up to help her roommate. Fortunately, Martha was responsive and could still walk. It turned out she was just very sleepy and drunk rather than dangerously wasted. The pair said goodnight to their friends, picked up Martha and walked her back to her dorm. The walk from Fatin’s dorm was quite pleasant in the morning, but in the middle of the night, Shelby wasn’t very eager to walk alone in the darkness. She was grateful Toni came along, even though she knew that she wouldn’t even think about it if it wasn’t for Martha. Toni’s aggressiveness was usually her least favorite trait of the girl, but it did give her a feeling of comfort this time. After they reached her room, Toni helped her put Martha to bed. She drifted to sleep almost immediately. 

“Thanks for helping me out” Shelby turned to Toni after Martha fell asleep.

“Yeah of course. You know I would die for Marty” the brunette smiled.

“Yeah”

“Anyway, um, I should go back to my room it’s late”

“Let me walk you there,” Shelby offered unsure of why “It’s too late to walk alone” She added quickly to justify her thought.

“Fine” Toni said, too tired to protest.

Neither of the girls talked on the way to Toni’s room. They weren’t sure how to talk to each other. Casual banter didn’t feel right in the air of intimacy that the night holds and the lack of sobriety didn’t make things easy. They were outside of Toni’s building when Shelby broke the silence.

“Why do you hate me?”

Toni stopped, a bit surprised, and looked at the blonde girl, debating how to answer her question.

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t trust you,” she finally replied, “and I am looking out for my best friend, that’s all. I don’t want her to get hurt.” 

“How would I ever hurt Martha? Why would I do that?”

“Look, Martha thinks you are this angel of a person who would never hurt anyone. You got her fooled with your whole ‘Love thy neighbor’ shit but I don’t buy it. I can see the hate you hide underneath” Toni said not caring to hide her dislike.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shelby asked, a bit irritated.

“Oh please, I didn’t forget your little comment when Leah talked about the Jolene song. Homophobic much?” Toni was getting more annoyed as the conversation continued.

“Oh, that is what this is about?” Shelby laughed, but her laughter betrayed a hint of anger.

“You know, you are, like, convinced that I am the bad guy and that you never had anything but friendly intentions as if you don’t also hate me. You can’t stand me, admit it.” Toni provoked. She wanted to get a rise out of Shelby to prove she was right. 

“You know what? No, I can’t.” Shelby snapped, growing increasingly frustrated, “I can't stand your attitude and your everlasting anger and your.. your-”

“My what?” Toni shot back. “Just fucking say it! I make things too gay for you and it fucking drives you mad!”

Just as Toni finished her thought she felt Shelby’s hands grabbing her face and pulling her close in a sudden movement. Shelby’s lips caught her by surprise. For a second, she froze, not being able to feel anything but the burning sensation on her lips. After her initial shock, Toni’s hands moved to Shelby's waste, as she kissed her back. At that moment, everything made sense for Toni. She could feel a wave of confusion waiting to hit her, but at that moment all she could focus on was how the blonde girl felt in her arms. But in the same abrupt way that she kissed her, Shelby pulled away. She looked Toni in the eyes and without saying a word she ran away. Toni was too shocked to act fast enough. By the time she snapped out of it and was able to move, Shelby had already disappeared in the night. The girl cursed her usually good reflexes for deciding to bail on her in a moment of crisis. She was worried for Shelby; it was the middle of the night after all. But her head was spinning like crazy --not clear if it was because of the alcohol or the kiss-- and Toni didn’t wanna risk upsetting Shelby even more, so she decided to just text her instead. 

_Just sent me an ok if you are back safe_

She tried to keep it as simple and chill as possible. The last thing she wanted was to appear demanding. Toni went back to her room and got ready to sleep. She tried to relax and fall asleep but her mind was running back to everything that happened. She was turning around in her bed, as quietly as she possibly could, so as to not wake up her roommate who was probably in her 7th dream already. Her roommate was a quiet girl from New York who studied physics. They never really talked about anything other than the essentials. She was a good roommate, but she and Toni just weren’t friends outside of the room. Toni spent most of her time at Martha’s room anyway. It was never quiet there, she and Shelby were always up to something. Her mind went back to Shelby. All this time Toni thought she hated her, but she had to be wrong. Shelby wouldn’t have kissed her if she hated her, right? Toni was very confused about the kiss. They were both drunk, but she wasn’t sure if that made it less or more sincere. She could still feel her lips burning in the total darkness of the room. Her phone’s screen lit up cutting through the black veil that covered the room. Toni checked to see a notification pop up. She smiled seeing Shelby’s name on her screen.

_Ok_

Toni put her phone down in relief. She felt her eyelids getting heavy and she realized how late it was. She was just glad Shelby was okay, for now. She would worry about everything else tomorrow, she thought, and she let herself drift away in her dreams.


	2. Let's Talk Over A Cup A Coffee

Sunday passed without Toni getting a chance to see Shelby. Between basketball practice and catching up on homework, Toni never had time on Sundays. She would have texted Martha asking to study together in her room, but she knew that she would not be able to do any work if her roommate was there so she chose to go to the library with Leah instead. She was expecting to see Shelby on Monday anyway. Toni worked at the campus cafe part-time on weekdays and she always saw Shelby coming in to get her green tea before her class. She couldn’t remember the last time she worked a shift without her showing up. She found it weird how fixated the Texan was on her daily routine, but now she was wondering if there was more to it than she initially figured. What were the chances that Shelby came to the cafe for her and not for the tea?

It was the first time Toni woke up excited for a Monday. She jumped out of her bed as if she got an adrenaline injection, surprising both herself and her roommate, who was used to listening to the alarm go off for too long every morning. She was as energetic as she was nervous getting ready for her classes. She grabbed her skateboard and left her dorm. Toni actually arrived early for her lecture, she got a seat near the exit so she could leave as fast as possible once it was over. Her first class went by fine, but her second felt like torture. Toni couldn’t focus on her professor to save her life. After a while, she gave up on trying to participate and watched the clock instead, fidgeting her pen between her fingers. Time was dragging too slow and running too fast at the same time. Toni couldn’t wait to get out of that class, but the thought of actually talking to Shelby was nerve-wracking. 

When she finally got to the cafe her heart was beating so loud, she was sure her coworkers could hear it. Standing behind the counter, she had perfect visibility of the open space. Every movement caught her attention and provoked her nerves. She tried to calm down using grounding techniques Nora had taught her and focused on her tasks to distract herself. The sound of the door opening made Toni jump each time, looking towards the people walking in hopefully, only to be disappointed when she didn’t see Shelby’s face. But she would show up. She had too, Toni thought, Shelby never misses her green tea. Maybe she should start preparing the tea now, to have her order ready in advance. Toni stopped herself on that thought, taken aback by what her brain neurons were producing. She was grateful no one could read her mind at that moment. If Fatin heard that thought she would never let Toni hear the end of it. Besides, what if Shelby didn’t come at all? Then she would be even more pathetic with an extra cup of green tea in her hands. 

Toni shook herself out of it. She didn’t care about Shelby, at least not in that way, and she was sure Shelby didn’t care about her. Or at least she was a couple days ago.

After an hour into her shift, Toni accepted that Shelby wouldn’t show up. It shouldn’t bother her but she couldn’t help it. Shelby was an adult who could take care of herself; she shouldn’t worry about her, Toni decided. But the day passed and there was no sign of her and then Tuesday went by too and Toni didn’t see Shelby at all, not even when she met the rest of the girls for dinner. Leah noticed her absence from the long dining hall table as well.

“Where is Shelby? Is she not joining us?” she asked casually. 

“No, she said she had to study for a quiz or something and she would go to the library” Martha excused her roommate.

“That’s unusual. Is she okay?” Nora asked, observing a change of behavior on her friend.

“I bet she had a fight with Andrew,” Dot began, “You know how she gets when she is upset”.

The words hit Toni like bullets. She looked down, playing with the food on her plate in silence. She remembered Shelby’s scared face right before she started running that Saturday night. Toni had completely forgotten about Andrew. She couldn’t help but feel responsible for Shelby’s absence. 

“Hey Toni, you okay?” Rachel asked, pulling Toni back to reality.

“What?” the girl looked up.

“You are awfully quiet. No snarky comments about Shelby or her boyfriend?”

“Um no…it’s only cool if she is there to hear it. Otherwise, it’s a dick move” Toni said quietly and focused on her food again. Her brain hadn’t been cooperating with her the past few days. It kept going back to Shelby at every opportunity and the radio silence was not helping at all. Toni decided that she couldn’t let the situation go on like this. She had to talk to her.

The next day she tried to come up with a plan on how to do that. The hardest part was finding out where Shelby would be. Toni could ask Martha, but she had to come up with an excuse that would make sense. Otherwise, it would be suspicious if Toni, who flinched at the mention of her roommate, asked her where she could find Shelby for a private conversation. Toni was thinking of all the details for her masterplan while making coffee for the students who spent their lunch breaks at the campus cafe. 

“Hey Mateo, what’s a good excuse to meet someone?” she turned to her coworker for help. Mateo was a senior, but they got along great despite the age difference. He was a kind person and he didn’t talk a lot, which is the best quality a man could have in Toni’s eyes. 

“What do you mean?” the boy replied, used to Toni’s mischiefs by now.

“Like, if I wanna meet someone and I don’t want people to ask questions… what do I tell them?” Toni didn’t have a problem being more open with Mateo. He knew to mind his own business so she trusted him.

“Um… I don’t know you could say you have to study together? Or a project or something?” 

“What if we don’t have any classes together?”

“You could tell your friends you are meeting your drug dealer” Mateo joked.

“Yeah okay, you are no help” Toni sighed and went back to her work.

No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t come up with a believable lie for Martha. But it turned out she didn’t have to; luck was on her side that day. She was cleaning up the counter when Shelby walked in. Her body tensed up in the sight and she accidentally knocked a cup over. The blonde girl spotted Toni and approached her. Toni wanted to talk to Shelby ever since Saturday night but watching her walk towards her made her swallow her tongue.

“Hi.” she managed to mutter, her eyes not being able to register anything besides the girl in front of her.

“Hey, can we talk?” Shelby said in a worried tone.

“Um.. yeah,” Toni looked around nervously, moving her arms around awkwardly unsure what exactly to do with them “Mateo, can you cover for me for five minutes?” she said, not waiting for her coworker to answer. She followed Shelby outside the cafe, where they could have more privacy. 

“What’s up?” Toni started the conversation.

“You haven’t told anyone about… um… you know” Shelby didn’t finish her sentence. Toni didn’t reply immediately to give her time to finish her thought. “Have you?” Shelby added impatiently, her face filled with worry.

“No, of course not,” Toni reassured her. She tried to catch Shelby’s eyes but the girl wouldn’t look her in the eyes. “Are you okay? Look, if you wanna talk about it-”

“There is nothing to talk about” Shelby cut her off sharply, finally making eye contact.

“Shelby… ” Toni sighed.

“Look, I was drunk…” Shelby paused reevaluating her words, “We were both drunk. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I am sober now. We should leave what happened in the past”. Toni couldn’t help but notice Shelby fidgeting with the cross around her neck as she was talking.

“Okay, so we are just pretending nothing happened, I see” Toni scoffed, feeling her irritation grow. Getting angry was probably not the most productive way to carry this conversation, but Toni wasn’t exactly a master of emotional control. 

“Look, Toni!” Shelby whisper-shouted and moved closer to Toni to make sure she was the only one who could hear “Last Saturday was a mistake. It was wrong and we should forget it happened” Shelby asserted. She was always the calm and collected friend of the group, holding onto her positivity like a treasure. Toni had never before seen her like this. The mix of anger and fear behind Shelby’s eyes unsettled her. Shelby took a step back and regained her composure. “I have a boyfriend,” she said as a reminder, although Toni wasn’t sure who it was aimed at. 

“Oh please, don’t bring HIM up” Toni laughed in frustration. She took a deep breath to clear her mind. “Anyway, Shelby… whatever you want. I have to go back to work” she said and walked away, but she stopped herself in front of the cafe door. Toni looked back at the blonde girl, “Look, whenever you are ready… I am here for you” and with that, she went back inside.

“So I am assuming you are no longer looking for an excuse to talk to that someone?” Mateo asked, trying to lighten up the mood after Toni got back behind the counter.

“Yeah, no that fucking blew up in my face” she chuckled, “I mean I don’t know what the fuck I was expecting to be honest”. Toni was mad at herself for not predicting this outcome. Mateo didn’t say anything, he just gave her a sad smile and went back to work.

“Oh and Mat, can you do me a favor?” Toni pleaded but her coworker already knew what she was thinking.

“Don’t worry, my lips are sealed” he said pretending to zip his mouth shut

“Thanks. You are a real one” 

“Yeah yeah you are cleaning the dishes though”

“Fuck you, you are taking advantage of me” Toni laughed, feeling glad she didn’t have to go through the torture of this job alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy NYE! this is my gift for 2021 I guess lol <3


	3. Favourite Worst Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Shelby pov

Shelby hadn’t been able to sleep through the night in a while, her mind was always so restless. When she closed her eyes a million thoughts went by so fast she could barely make any sense of them. When she managed to fall asleep, she kept having dreams that she was being chased. Her pursuer was different every time, sometimes a dangerous animal and other times some abstract monster created by Shelby’s troubled mind. In her dream, she was running and running and no matter how much she ran, the monster always found a way to catch up with her. She could not escape, she had to be caught by her chaser. But when the creature got close enough, she always jumped wide awake. The pattern continued today as well, just like most mornings these past couple of weeks. Shelby couldn’t go back to sleep so she decided to get up, even if her alarm told her she still had time to bond with her bed. But Shelby didn’t mind the early start at all, because she found out waking up before anyone else meant she got the bathroom all for herself. 

In the early morning hours, she had total privacy to brush her teeth and clean her dental flipper. Before going to college, she was worried living with a roommate would make it hard to keep her secret safe. But after a month and a half of living together, Martha had no idea and Shelby intended to keep it that way. To her, her flipper felt like an armor; with it, she was beautiful and powerful, no one doubted her with her perfect smile. But without it she was vulnerable, her flaws were exposed for the world to see and she knew they wouldn’t like what was in front of their eyes. Some days she wished she could just tell someone --anyone-- so the weight of the secret would be lifted, but the shame she felt was just too much to let that happen. She finished her morning hygiene routine and looked in the mirror. She put her hair up in a bun, not caring about the messiness of it. Shelby had given up on straightening her hair every day like she used to do in high school. She simply didn’t have the time or energy anymore. It’s true what they say about college changing you, she thought. 

She found a peaceful moment in the cold silence of the room and her mind went back to her conversation with Toni. The image of the girl standing in front of the cafe’s door flooded her mind. Remembering the pain in her face before she entered the building made Shelby’s heartache, but her brain wouldn’t let her dive deeper into her memory to find a happier image, in fear of bringing up moments she was dying to forget. Shelby took a deep breath and tried to focus on the new day instead. She went back to her room, got dressed, and decided to leave. Martha was still sleeping and she didn’t wanna risk waking her up by staying in the room. She grabbed her bag and her pink hoodie and headed for the campus quad. Her hoodie would probably prove useless but she still wanted to be prepared for any case. One of the reasons she had applied to this school was the weather after all. Shelby knew she wouldn’t survive the cold winters of the north so she decided to go to California for her education. Her dad wasn’t as excited as her when they learned she would move out of state,  _ “California is so far away, how will I be able to look after you?”  _ she remembers him saying. But the school had a strong curriculum and good reputation, so he eventually gave in, despite his dislike of the Golden State. 

Shelby reached the quad, scanning for a comfortable place to put her stuff down. A few people were walking around, probably heading to their morning classes, a couple of others were laying on the grass enjoying the sunny day. Shelby found a tree away from the rest of the students and sat down, looking for a few moments of relaxation before her classes started. She put on her earphones and closed her eyes, ready to immerse herself in the music, when her phone rang. She picked up her phone only to see Andrew’s name on the caller ID.

“Hey,” she said slightly surprised. It seemed impossible to find him on the phone these days and now he called out of nowhere.

“Hello, baby, how are you?” Andrew’s voice sounded through the phone.

“Um, I am good… What’s up, how come you called?” Shelby said shaking off her initial shock.

“What, can I not just talk to my girlfriend?” he laughed.

“It’s just not like you to call like that… You haven’t called in a while”

“Yeah… I was... busy. You know, School and everything.” He stuttered. Shelby didn’t say anything, letting silence take over. “Well I got news for you” Andrew finally announced “I am visiting you this weekend!”

“What?” Shelby was truly shocked now.

“Yeah! My buddy here is visiting his cousin, it’s like a 30-minute drive from your campus so I am going with him” Andrew explained.

“Wow, um, that’s… big news” the girl was struggling to process the new information.

“Yeah! Isn’t it exciting? I was gonna surprise you but my mom said I should check in to make sure you would be on campus” He laughed.

“Your mom?” 

“Yeah, it was kind of her idea really…she said couples shouldn’t be apart for too long… It can make you prone to sin or whatever” Andrew rambled but Shelby was barely paying attention “Anyway I can’t wait to see you I missed you” 

“Yeah.. me too” Shelby mumbled.

“Can’t wait to hold you again… Maybe I could stay over for the night too… you know, to get more time together” Andrew's voice lowered.

“Um… ” Shelby tensed up, “I… I don’t think that’s a good idea. My roommate will be here… and you know, I- I don’t want to, um, inconvenience her” she stammered, cringing at her inability to form a proper sentence.

“Okay” Andrew answered confused “We’ll talk about it… I gotta go now talk to you later. Bye babe,” he said and hung up.

Shelby felt as if there wasn’t enough air in the room to fill her lungs, despite sitting out in the open. Her mind was spinning like crazy. This week had already been wild enough for Shelby and now her boyfriend was visiting, too. But it was Andrew, her high school sweetheart, she reminded herself. Maybe she would actually feel better if he visited her. Maybe he would clear out the clouds that were cluttering her mind lately. No reason not to be excited, she told herself and she got up. Shelby took a deep breath to center herself. She had a long day of classes ahead of her.

Shelby’s day continued far less eventfully than it started. Her classes were as boring as always, but she still enjoyed learning so time passed easier than she thought it would. She had lunch with her friends from drama club and decided to join them for milkshakes instead of getting her usual tea from the campus cafe. She wasn’t ready to face Toni just yet, at least not alone. Maybe if Fatin or Martha were with her she could walk up to the counter and talk to her, but for now, she decided it was best for the both of them if she stayed away. She couldn’t avoid Toni forever though, she was gonna meet her along with the rest of the girls for dinner later. Until then, she had time to organize her thoughts.

**. . .**  
  


Dot:  _ shelby wya? we are all at the dining hall already! _

The milkshake run turned into an impromptu rehearsal so Shelby was a bit late for dinner.

Rachel:  _ watch her ditch us again lol _

Shelby _ : i am here! _

Shelby sent the text as she walked into the busy dining hall. It was a long room with a high ceiling and rows of tables so long that they reached both sides of the hall, creating aisles. With its gloomy look, it had an otherworldly ambiance. The first time they were there, Fatin had called it “a less elegant, American version of Hogwarts”. Shelby got her food first and then searched in the crowd to find her friends. She saw Martha and Nora waving their arms at her and walked up to their table finding a seat next to Dot. 

“Look who finally showed up” Toni greeted her with a smirk. The blonde girl just gave a polite smile.

“So how was your day, Shelby?” Dot asked, happy to see her friend.

“Tiring really” She replied already thinking of the food in front of her.

“Well, my day was great” Rachel jumped into the conversation “Leah and I went to the gym today. She beat her time for fastest mile today! I am so fucking proud!” She exclaimed.

“Not to brag but yeah it’s true” Leah grinned.

“I have no idea how you do it,” Fatin blurted, “Working out? With exercise freak here? Yeah, count me out”

“Well, my therapist suggested I should exercise to help stay focused on life” Leah explained “plus Rachel and I have a great time together even if she won’t admit it” she said lightly punching her gym buddy on the shoulder.

“Yeah whatever, you are not the worst” Rachel smiled.

“Actually, I, too, have news,” Shelby announced, getting the attention of her friends “Andrew called me today.”

“Breaking news, man calls his girlfriend. The nation is shocked” Toni mocked.

“Do you ever catch a break?” Fatin bantered.

“No” Martha deadpanned, answering for her best friend and making the group laugh.

“Anyway, as I was saying, Andrew called” Shelby took the spotlight again, “He said he is coming to visit this weekend”

Surprise took over the faces of her friends. Toni burst out laughing. 

“That’s sweet,” Nora said, ignoring the brunette’s laughter.

“Yeah, he wanted to surprise me” Shelby tried to focus on Nora and keep her smile on. Rachel hit Toni on the shoulder in an attempt to make her stop.

“I am sorry, I am sorry…” Toni took a second to calm down “I can’t fucking wait to meet him.” she told Shelby, smiling deviously, and got up to get water, leaving the table.

“Oh God,” Shelby sighed “I need to make sure those two are never in the same room”.

“You are kidding? I am not missing that!” Fatin chirped “Dot, we should go buy popcorn before the weekend! And alcohol! We could make a drinking game out of this”.

“Take a shot every time Toni looks like she is about to commit murder” Nora joked.

“That is literally all the time, Nora, we will die playing that” Martha chuckled.

“Oh God, this is the worst nightmare I didn’t even know I had,” Shelby said dropping her head in her hands.

“I’m sorry Shelby,” Martha tried to suppress her smile, “I am sure it will be fine, Toni is a mature person” she tried to reassure her friend.

“$5 she will deck Andrew in the face” Dot challenged her friends.

“Oh, it’s on Dorothy. I raise you: $10 she will kick him on the balls” Fatin said and extended her arm for a handshake.

“Bet” Dot shook her hand closing the deal, both girls having way too much fun with this.

“Y’all are the worst” Shelby groaned, already seeing disaster in her future.


	4. Mr. Brightside

Toni’s Friday passed easier than she expected. She had turned her attention on anything other than Shelby, a decision that proved very productive. After the news dropped that Andrew was visiting, Toni realized she would exhaust herself overthinking if she didn’t find distractions. As long as she wasn’t in the same room with Shelby, she could just concentrate on her homework or sports or the squirrels running around the quad. And it worked. For the first time since she got to California, Toni had managed to finish all of her homework before the weekend. She was very proud of herself. It turned out that all she needed was to replace “responsibilities” with “emotions” on the list of things to avoid.

It was already dark when Martha texted her to come hang out in her room. Apparently, Dot and Fatin were there studying as well, and Leah visited too because she was feeling lonely. Toni skated to Martha’s room feeling carefree without homework and excited to meet her friends. She was very grateful she met them. She never before felt like she could depend on others, but now she knew her best friends would always be there for her. She had met Martha when she was still in Minnesota through a Facebook group for admitted students. Martha had reached out first, excited that she found another girl with a similar background to her. They became good friends immediately and they stuck together ever since. Toni had never met a purer person. She loved Martha with all of her heart and she knew Martha shared the same sentiment. Reminiscing meeting her best friend made Toni smile as she entered the building heading to Martha’s room. She could hear her friends yelling behind the walls when she knocked. Dot’s face appeared behind the door.

“Hey,” she said letting Toni in, “Come in, we are chilling”

Toni followed her friend inside the room. Fatin was sitting on the floor surrounded by books and papers tossed around and Leah was laying next to her. Dot returned to her seat next to Fatin, going back to her books. Martha was also sitting on her desk occupied by her own books. Toni let her eyes wander to Shelby last. The girl was sitting on her bed playing on her phone, but she immediately put it down when she spotted Toni.

“I see you are having a proper party here” Toni commented, stepping over the papers on the floor and jumping on Martha’s bed. 

“Yeah partying real hard here learning about different types of chemical bonds” Fatin groaned “Yeah I can’t do it anymore I am done for today” she finally gave up and closed her book.

“Where are the twins?” Toni noticed their absence.

“Um, Rachel has early morning practice tomorrow so she went to bed already and Nora has a date!” Leah answered, wiggling her eyebrows.

“A date?” Toni exclaimed, surprised.

“Yeah, his name is Quinn,” Shelby explained. “They are in the same science class apparently. She told us in the group chat… I guess you missed your texts.” She added her eyes turning to Toni.

“Yeah… I guess” Toni’s efforts to forget the blonde girl for the day turned out completely fruitless the moment she heard her voice. Suddenly the dam was broken and everything she was trying to distract herself from flooded her brain. 

“I am so excited for Nora” Martha moved her attention away from her homework, “I hope it works out for her. Ugh! Romance is so beautiful”.

“Sweet innocent child” Fatin smiled at her friend “Romance is exhausting and men will almost always disappoint you”

“Women too” Toni added, her eyes meeting Shelby’s momentarily. It was only a split second but it was enough to accelerate her pulse.

“I mean I don’t know” Leah refuted, “Andrew is kinda coming through… visiting all the way here and everything. You must be excited, Shelby. When is he coming?”

“He is flying tonight, he’ll be here tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to see him” Shelby’s reply made Toni scoff. 

“What’s wrong?” Shelby questioned.

“I didn’t say anything” 

“You obviously thought of something,” the Texan pushed.

“I think it’s better if I don’t say it out loud” Toni shot back.

“Look… just be nice tomorrow. Can you promise me you won’t start anything?” the blonde asked.

“No? Why would I ever do that?” Toni dismissed her.

“Please, Toni” Shelby sighed. Her face softened and her eyes looked at Toni's, pleading for her to comply with her wishes. Toni pulled Martha’s pillow in front of her face and let out a muffled grown. 

“Fine” she finally said “I’ll behave… as long as he does, too. That’s the best I can give you.”

“Thank you” Shelby smiled and Toni hated how pretty her smile was.

“I told you puppy eyes would work. They always do” Martha smirked.

“You sneaky fuckers!” Her best friend shouted “Marty, how could you betray me like that? I hate this. I hate both of you, whose idea was to put you in the same room? Fucking grouping up against me, what is this?” Toni ranted and her friends just laughed with her reaction

“Such a drama queen” Fatin joked.

“You owe me Takis for this… all of you!” Toni growled. 

… 

Toni was already feeling nervous when she woke up. It was an exciting Saturday after all, she would finally meet Andrew after so many weeks of hearing about him. She didn’t have high expectations for him, she already assumed the worst. She knew she was being unfair and that she should probably give him a chance to prove his worth, but Toni had no such intention. She was already looking forward to the moment he would leave their campus and she could go back to not caring whether he is alive or dead. She hadn’t even seen him yet, but he still irritated her. However, for better or for worse, she had promised Shelby she would behave when she actually met him and Toni had every intention of keeping her word. She knew it would be hard to control her emotions, but she had time to prepare. 

Toni’s day was rather slow since she didn’t have homework to do, a fact that still surprised her. She never thought she would be so grateful for Saturday practice, but it was a break from watching the clock ticking until it was time to meet Andrew. After practice ended, Toni had all the room to herself to get ready for the evening in peace. She wasn’t sure if her friends had planned anything yet since she hadn’t been checking her phone, but she knew they would all get together to meet Shelby’s guest, so she was very deliberate with her appearance choices. After a while, she got very indecisive, though, and realized she needed a second opinion. But her roommate was nowhere to be seen and the emptiness of the room felt unbearable, so Toni decided to go skateboarding. She enjoyed spending some alone time going around campus on her board. Speeding around with music on her earphones calmed her down more than any amount of yoga could ever achieve. She had too much fire inside of her to just sit around and meditate. Skating was a much more exhilarating emotional outlet. She was passing in front of the theater  when she heard a voice calling her name. Toni turned to see Shelby sitting on a bench by the street waving at her. Toni’s eyes slipped from the girl to the man sitting next to her. At that moment everything else blurred out. The only thing she could focus on was the male figure across the street. She barely had time to absorb any information about him, when her board hit a crack on the ground. Toni felt her board beneath her feet violently moving away and her body lunged forward. She had enough time only to use her arms as a shield before she hit the ground. The impact was painful enough, but seeing Shelby rushing towards her, made Toni curse her situation even more.

“Toni! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Shelby worried, kneeling down to help the fallen girl.

“No, I am fine,” Toni said, checking to make sure nothing was broken. Her shoulder hurt from the collision, but it wasn’t anything serious. Her ego had taken more damage than anything else.

“You good, soldier?” Toni heard a male voice with a heavy southern accent. She looked up to see a man with light brown hair and the most average face Toni had seen, looking at her. He was dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, making his look identical to any white teenage boy from a low budget sitcom. He offered his hand to Toni who was still on the ground. Toni picked up her things and got up by herself, rejecting his offer.

“Do not associate me with your imperialist institution” Toni deadpanned, making the guy chuckle for lack of a better reaction.

“Okay! You sound fine… ” Shelby intervened “So Toni meet Andrew! Andrew this is Toni.” she introduced the pair with a big smile.

“Hey” Andrew reached his arm out, once again, to close the introduction with a handshake. Toni shook his hand, putting as much strength in her grip as she could without it looking weird. She knew the rules; a firm handshake had a lot of influence over someone’s first impression of you and Toni wanted to assert herself.

“Shelby has said so much about you” she forced a smile, but her eyes remained hostile.

“That’s nice to hear” he chuckled but nothing about his attitude seemed sincere to Toni, “I am afraid she hasn’t told me much about you, though” he added awkwardly.

“Oh well,” Toni turned to his girlfriend and the girls locked eyes. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” she said sporting a genuine smile on her face this time. For a second a smirk appeared on Shelby’s face, but the girl looked down before anyone could notice.

“Um, so… We were thinking we could all get together later today and, um, properly introduce everyone,” The blonde said while her fingers fiddled with her cross necklace.

“Yeah, okay… Just, um, text the group chat.” Toni said.

Shelby nodded in agreement and a moment of silence followed. Toni was sensing it was time to go.

“Okay, I gotta go, I should probably put some ice on this,” she said, gesturing to her shoulder.

“Dot might have some” Shelby said, failing to hide her concern. Toni just smiled shyly. 

“Alright, um, thanks… anyway… see you later” she waved goodbye and got on her board, putting all of her efforts into not falling off and embarrassing herself again.

Toni went directly to Dot’s and Leah’s room, after her encounter with the Texan couple. Shelby was right, if anyone could help her out with her injury it was Dot. She was the only person in their friend group with a proper first aid kit and she was always ready to take care of her friends. And she always did it without judging or interfering with their lives, which is what Toni needed the most right now. Upon reaching her friends’ room, Toni found Dot playing on her phone and Leah laying with her head on Fatin’s lap reading a book.

“You are here too?” She greeted her friend who was also hanging out there.

“Of course… You know these two can’t survive without me.” Fatin answered nodding towards the roommates.

“Hey, Toni. What brings you here?” Leah said lifting her eyes from the page she was reading.

“I was wondering if you have ice. I fell from my board. I kinda hurt my shoulder”

“Yeah, sure dude, we got a whole pharmacy here,” Dot said getting up to look for her ice pouch.

“How did you fall? Was it bad?” Leah asked.

“I just missed a crack on the ground, nothing serious” Toni shrugged off. Dot found what she was looking for in the freezer of their mini-fridge and gave the pouch to her hurt friend.

“Thanks,” Toni said, pulling up her sleeve and placing the ice on her shoulder. 

“No problem” Dot smiled, “So what’s up? How was your day?”

“So… I met Andrew” Toni tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. She could see her friends waiting for more information so she kept going. “Yeah, him and Shelby were chilling by the theater when I passed by so I stopped to say hi”

“What is he like? Do we like him?” Dot asked.

“God no. He looks like a douche.” Toni said, clenching her jaw.

“Sounds like you had a rough day,” Leah joked, “I mean, first you wipe out, and then you meet Andrew… Seems like you took a couple of hits''

“Wait! Did you fall in front of Shelby and Andrew?” Fatin’s face lit up.

“No!” Toni protested, “Okay fine, yes! Shelby yelled hi and it caught me off guard! Are you happy now?” the girl snapped, her friends started laughing.

“Yeah, actually, I am very happy” Fatin continued laughing, “You fell in front of Shelby and Andrew? Yeah, that’s hilarious.”

“Fuck off” Toni groaned.

“Hey come on leave her alone” Dot tried to stop Fatin but she was still giggling herself, “I am sure Toni’s ego is bruised enough already she doesn't need you rubbing it in her face”

“Thank you!” Toni exclaimed.

“I am sorry Toni. I sincerely apologize for making fun of you. Oh dear friend, is there anything I could ever do to make it up to you? Nothing would make me happier” Fatin said theatrically.

“Actually… you could help me pick an outfit” Toni confessed.

Fatin raised her eyebrows in surprise “You are asking me for fashion advice?”

“Yeah I guess,” Toni said, playing with the ice pouch in her hands.

Fatin analyzed her friend and grinned. “Are you trying to impress someone, Toni? Who do you wanna look good for?” She teased.

“Fuck, yeah you got me” Toni threw her hands in the air “I am actually hopelessly in love with you and I’ve been trying to get you to notice me,” she said keeping a serious face.

“Back off? Fatin’s mine” Leah interrupted and interlocked her fingers with Fatin’s.

“Okay girls, don’t fight now. I have two hands” Fatin reassured.

“Yeah, and the other one is mine” Dot exclaimed.

“Looks like I am taken, sorry. Anyway, let’s see… Red and black are the go-to colors to wear when you want to get attention. Maybe red is a bit too strong? What do you have in black?” Fatin rambled.

“Um, I have a-” Toni tried to answer but Fatin was already on the next thought.

“Stop, no, you are wearing the green shirt!” Fatin yelled in excitement.

“Huh? What?” Toni was not following.

“That’s it! I got it! You are wearing the green shirt you bought when we went shopping a few weeks ago. The emerald green one Martha and Shelby picked? It matches the eyes, too! I am so smart” She smiled proudly.

“My eyes are brown smartass” Toni contested. Fatin just glared at her with such intensity that made Toni feel the hair on the back of her neck stand straight. “Okay… green shirt it is” she said in defeat.

“I could do your makeup, too!” Fatin added her smile reappearing as if it never left.

“That is _not_ happening” 

**…**

They were meeting at Shelby’s and Martha’s room after all. Toni took Fatin’s advice and went with the green shirt. She couldn’t help but feel nervous. Her first encounter with Andrew went rather well, given that there was no violence or name-calling, but that only lasted a couple of minutes. Being around him for hours was a different challenge, one she wasn’t sure she could accomplish without her emotions getting the best of her. But she had promised Shelby she’d behave and that was giving her strength to go on. Toni was a bit late to the party. She decided to wait for Rachel’s practice to be over so they could go together. When they finally reached the room, everyone else was already there. They were talking and laughing loudly, but Toni couldn’t register what they were saying, it all blurred into white noise. Toni spotted Shelby, who was standing by Andrew. Her eyes examined the girl from head to toe, stopping on her stomach, exposed under the yellow crop top she was wearing. Shelby noticed Toni looking at her.

“What’s up?” she asked confused.

“You have a belly button piercing.” Toni noticed 

“Yeah, I’ve had it for a while… Is there a problem?” Shelby was still confused.

“No, nope” Toni snapped out of it, “Why would there be a problem?” She said and let out a chuckle, making Shelby feel like she was out of some sort of inside joke. Toni took a deep breath, already struggling to keep her promise. She joined the rest of her friends who were sitting on the floor. Shelby put on a smile and sat next to her boyfriend.

“Oh hi, Toni!” Martha hugged her friend next to her, “Ooo you are wearing the shirt I chose!”.

“Yeah, I thought I’d try it on,” Toni said, happy to see Martha excited. “I don’t think I’ve worn it before. It’s not too bad.”

“No” the word slipped out of Shelby’s mouth without her being able to stop it, “I mean… It looks good… You look good in that color.”

“Thanks,” Toni said and she looked down in an attempt to hide the smile that flourished on her face. Fatin was right, Toni thought. She glanced at her friend, who just smirked in satisfaction knowing her fashion advice was effective.

“Do you want a drink, Toni?” Nora offered, “Dot brought a bottle of vodka”. Toni nodded and Nora passed her a cup.

“How do you even get all this alcohol? You don’t have a fake.” Rachel asked Dot.

“I ask Mateo to buy it for me. I pay him back of course.” Dot answered.

“I am pretty sure he has a crush on you,” Toni said, “I’ve seen him when you come by the cafe. He gets all nervous and blushes. You should ask him out.”

“I don’t know dude” Dot hesitated.

“He is cute. And a nice guy. Plus he would be less annoying during work.” Toni laughed, happy it was finally someone else receiving unsolicited relationship advice.

“I am not really looking to settle down right now. Definitely not with a senior, either.” Dot argued, “I’ll let the sappy couple thing to those two” She added, pointing at Shelby and Andrew. The couple laughed and Toni’s smile faded.

“Talking about crushes and couples, Nora, how was your date yesterday?” Leah changed the subject.

“Oh my god, yes!” Martha chirped, “Tell us all about it! I am sure it was super romantic!”

“Um, it was great, actually” Nora smiled shyly, “We went on a stroll around campus and then he played the accordion for me.”

“He sounds like a decent dude… If he hurts you I’ll kill him” Rachel half-joked. It was nice to see her sister having fun. Sure, they fought sometimes and it could get ugly, but they were sisters. They loved each other unconditionally. Nora could be a little closed off at times, so Rachel was proud to see her experiencing the world freely. 

“Isn't it wonderful when you find a proper gentleman?” Shelby told Nora and leaned onto Andrew, making Toni roll her eyes. She realized her patience would be tested to its limits tonight.

“So, Andrew, how did you two meet?” She tried to make small talk. 

“Oh, that’s a while ago. I mean, we always kinda knew each other, it’s a small town. But we started dating, um… Was it junior year?” the boy asked his girlfriend.

“Summer after junior year. We were at John’s party and you asked me out, remember?” Shelby answered with her typical smile that never seemed to disappear.

“Right, right, and I took you bowling,” Andrew added.

“No, we went to the movies for our first date.” Shelby corrected him.

“Huh, one would think going out with Miss Texas would be one of those unforgettable moments,” Toni noted and she could feel Shelby's eyes shooting darts at her.

“Well we had so many nice moments together, it’s hard to remember them all” Andrew just laughed it off and Toni decided to drop it there.

“That’s so cute!” Martha’s heart melted with that comment. She was such a hopeless romantic, she loved hearing people’s love stories. “It’s so nice that your relationship is still so strong after so much time.” the girl said and Toni had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. It’s like they were trying to get a reaction out of her, she thought. But she had to keep calm, she had made a promise after all. 

Toni withdrew from the conversation, realizing that it would only further annoy her. The group kept talking, making jokes and small talk with the couple. The girls were eager to get to know Andrew and they kept asking about his and Shelby’s high school days, but Toni wasn’t paying attention. Her focus was on the blonde girl across from her. She was observing her, trying to understand her mindset. Shelby’s appearance was perfect as always. Not a single hair out of place. She looked happy, smiling and laughing with her friends, but Toni couldn’t help but notice how tired her eyes looked. After that kiss, she realized how much Shelby actually hides from her friends. She was going through a lot and Toni was probably the only person to know about it, and that was by accident. If she could, Shelby would probably wipe it all away from her memory, so she could go back to denying the suffering behind her eyes. That thought made Toni frown. She could only imagine how confused Shelby was feeling with everything, but the truth was she was also extremely confused about her feelings. She wished they could just talk about it, but she didn’t wanna rush Shelby. Toni realized she was staring and she quickly brought herself back to the conversation.

“...the performance was great, Shelby’s drama club is actually pretty good” Leah was finishing a sentence.

“Bummer that I can’t come to see her play” Andrew smiled at his girlfriend and rested his hand a little too high up her leg, causing Shelby to drag it down to her knee instead. The movement was quick but Toni noticed how her demeanor immediately shifted on Andrew’s touch. She clenched her fist, she could feel her blood boiling. As if on cue, Andrew’s phone lit up with a message notification. He checked his screen, his smile fading, and then flipped his phone so the screen was facing the floor. 

“Is it your side chick?” Toni let her thoughts escape her mouth. Andrew didn’t answer, he just looked at the girl like a deer caught in headlights.

“Just kidding” She added, but Andrew wasn’t amused. Toni smiled as an afterthought, realizing she might have come on too strong, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

“So are you doing anything together tomorrow?” Fatin attempted to break the tension.

“Well, I wanted to show Andrew around and-” Shelby started.

“Shelby is giving a campus tour and then we might go explore the town but I have to leave in the evening to catch my flight back to Texas” Andrew cut her off.

“Don’t interrupt her,” Toni mumbled, pulling on the threads of the carpet beneath her.

“Excuse me?” Andrew questioned.

“Let her speak.” Toni tightened her lips, her anger growing bigger, “It’s rude to speak over your girlfriend... or anyone. A sign of disrespect.”

“Oh, are you gonna teach me how to talk to my girlfriend, now?” Andrew said, ready for a fight. 

“It’s cool, Andrew” Shelby tried to calm her boyfriend down.

“Hey dude, it’s just constructive criticism. Take it or leave it” Toni said, her words coming off as a challenge.

“I can take criticism alright. But I am sure I know my girlfriend better than you” Andrew kept going despite Shelby’s efforts. 

“Oh, I am sure you do” Toni taunted him. She was past the point of controlling her feelings. Her anger had taken over.

“I am not gonna sit around and take respect lessons from you of all people” he shot up from his seat.

“Yeah, cause you wouldn’t understand them anyway” Toni snapped back, matching his movement up.

“Shit, are you always like this? Who wants to be around you?” he stepped closer as a form of intimidation.

“Oh, you’d be surprised” Toni smirked, not backing away.

“Toni drop it!” Shelby yelled “Both of you, stop! You are ruining everyone’s night.” Shelby’s voice grounded Toni. She managed to get her breathing under control and tried to calm down for the sake of her friends.

“You are not worth it” Andrew scoffed, “I’ll pray for you, maybe you’ll find God’s way”. 

Toni’s attempts to calm down went down the drain. She could feel the rage taking over every cell of her body again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as a last resort to avoid the worst.

“Shelby, take your fucking cowboy out of my face before I ruin his” She exhaled.

Shelby grabbed Andrew’s arm pulling him back, but it didn’t help Toni’s anger. Just seeing his face was enough to annoy her, but seeing him having Shelby’s attention made her furious. The image of them together was too much, and her friends’ curious stares, trying to make sense of the scene, overwhelmed Toni. She had no intention of offering explanations and she didn’t want to break down in front of everyone, so she stormed out of the room.

Toni wasn’t sure where she was going, she just knew she couldn’t stay in Shelby’s room anymore. She walked down the corridor and eventually found herself in the floor’s communal balcony. No one was there that late at night and Toni realized she needed the fresh air so she stayed. It was quiet on the balcony. Only the faint sound of people yelling from a nearby room, probably having a party of their own, lingered in the air blending in with the soft sounds of the night. Toni wondered how those people felt, going through their night having fun, not having to worry about petty drama and fights, like her friends had to. The fresh air filled Toni’s lungs, clearing her mind as she leaned on the rail looking at the night sky. She was still angry, but now there was room for sadness and remorse, as well. She didn’t regret snapping at Andrew, but she did feel bad that it happened in front of her friends.

“There you are” a voice sounded, disrupting Toni’s thoughts. She turned around to see Shelby approaching her.

“What do you want, Shelby?” Toni asked with more aggression in her voice than she wanted.

“I just want to talk. I think you owe me that much” Shelby said calmly.

“Owe you? Is this a joke?” 

“I mean you did go off on my boyfriend” 

“What? He started it!” Toni protested, “He was a dick, you were right there!”.

“Toni you promised! You told me you wouldn’t fight with him!” 

“I didn’t!” Toni was getting frustrated, “I told you I’d be nice if he was nice. He was a total dick! What was I supposed to do? Stand by while he is disrespecting me? While he is disrespecting you?”

“Why do you care?” It was Shelby’s turn to raise your voice, “Okay, Andrew and I might argue sometimes but it’s none of your business!”

“Why do I care?” Toni laughed in disbelief.

“Yes. You are the only one reacting like that to Andrew. What’s your problem?” 

“You are my fucking problem!” Toni couldn’t hold back anymore. She waited for Shelby’s response but the girl only had an unreadable expression on her face to offer. Her hesitation made Toni laugh and grab her head in frustration.

“I can’t fucking believe it. Are you really so deep in denial you can’t even understand why I would care?” Toni wondered. Shelby just crossed her arms and looked away avoiding eye contact.

“Say something! Fuck!” Toni yelled. Her anger gave place to sadness. Her expression softened, pain written in her face. “Why did you kiss me?” her voice cracked.

“I told you to forget about that,” Shelby finally spoke.

Toni sighed in defeat “Well, I don’t think I can.”

Toni’s response made Shelby freeze, unable to figure out what words to use next. She wasn’t sure if she should feel scared or flattered by the confession. Part of her wanted to tell Toni how she hadn’t stopped thinking about the kiss either. How she still felt her lips on hers every night before she fell asleep, how she thought about her every time she had a moment of peace, and how painful it was. But another part of her, the one that kept telling her to run away as far as possible, reminded her that she could never say those thoughts out loud for that would give them flesh, and then she would never be able to ignore them again.

“I am sorry” were the only words she was able to utter after all. And she really did mean them. But she could see in Toni’s expression that they weren’t enough. “I should head back.” she said looking away from Toni, “Are you gonna join us again?”

“I can’t be in the same room as him. It’s not gonna end well for anyone”

“Okay… I guess this is goodnight then” Shelby said and walked to the door, turning to see Toni one last time before she disappeared inside the building. Toni watched her go in silence. With every step she took, Toni’s pain grew, but she was too prideful to ask her to stay. Maybe Shelby was right, she thought. Maybe she should just forget about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, we are back. This one took a while but it's finally finished!


	5. What Did You Do To My Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna start recommending songs for each chapter that fit the vibe/inspired me while writing. This update's song is Cheers Darlin' by Damien Rice.

Toni’s anger did not fade during the night. The events from the previous night still felt fresh in her mind, when she woke up on that slow Sunday morning. Her conversation with Shelby on the balcony was playing on repeat, the words ringing loudly in her head. Toni had just woken up and she already had a headache. Already cursing her day, she headed to the bathroom. Maybe a cold shower could help her reboot her brain and save the day from being a complete mess. As the water was falling on her skin, Toni mentally replayed last night like a scene from a movie. She furrowed her eyebrows remembering how Shelby had left her on the balcony, feeling vulnerable and alone. As the images came back to her mind, a lump formed in her throat. Toni splashed cold water on her face to distract herself; it was too painful to think about Shelby. And Shelby didn’t seem to be thinking of her, anyway. She just had to accept that some things don’t work out, even when there was hope at some point, and move on. If only accepting the situation meant that the pain and anger would disappear as well, Toni thought as got out of the shower. She got ready in her room, putting on a sweater and a pair of sweatpants, too tired to put more effort. Toni would want nothing more than to just go back to bed and sleep until all of her problems were magically fixed, but her friends texted her they were already getting brunch in the dining hall. Nora said they were waiting for her, and had saved her a spot on the table. She even put a smiley face next to her text; It would simply be rude if Toni didn’t show up. So despite her desire to disappear in a cave miles away from people, she left her room and skated to the dining hall. When she got there, her friends were already halfway done with their meal. Toni grabbed a plate of eggs and bacon and her invaluable cup of coffee and joined them. As she sat down, she noticed an empty seat next to Dot and realized there were only seven of them on the table. 

“Shelby is hanging out with Andrew, she is not joining us,” Fatin said, noticing the confusion in her friend’s face.

“Okay? I don’t care?” Toni shrugged it off.

“Good morning” Martha greeted her friend with a smile, “Rough start?”

Toni let out a heavy sigh “I’ve been having a rough start for a while now.”

“Is that why you threw a tantrum last night?” Fatin joked.

“Look, I am having a bad day already, can I please just eat my fucking breakfast in peace?” Toni growled, not wanting to relive the events of the previous night.

“Well anyway,” Rachel decided to change the subject “I was thinking of going to the grocery store later. Anyone need anything?”

“Oh! Could you get me some vegetarian sausages and maybe oat milk?” Martha asked with her usual enthusiasm.

“Martha, I would actually love to talk to you about a vegetarian diet” Nora joined the conversation “I am thinking of cutting down on meat”

“Sure, I would love to help! I can send you a list of good alternatives to meat!” the girl beamed.

“Okay, vegan milk and sausages… anything else?” Rachel asked her friends again.

“I need cigarettes” Dot added to the list.

“I can’t buy you cigarettes, you know that” Rachel shook her head.

“Shit, and I was gonna ask for a new vape,” Leah chuckled.

“Ooo! I have one!” Fatin exclaimed “I need condoms… and lube.” she said, making her friends laugh.

Rachel dropped her head down and sighed “God, why are you guys like this? The shit I put up with in this friend group”

“What?” Fatin yelled defensively “It’s a serious request! Safe sex is important, Rachel and condoms are the way to go about it when there are penises involved… that’s common knowledge, even you should know that” She teased her friend who just laughed and rolled her eyes.

“You can always get free condoms at the health center,” Nora noted.

“Yeah exactly, Fatin, don’t make your lesbian friend buy you condoms when you can literally find them anywhere on campus for free.” Dot was still laughing.

“Literally… Hell, even Shelby would have some to give you” Leah bantered.

“I mean her boyfriend is visiting…” Nora raised her eyebrows and laughed with her friends.

Toni dropped her fork in frustration, “You guys are so fucking crude”.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed” Leah commented.

“That’s fucking rich coming from you, Shalifoe” Fatin pointed out.

“I am just saying, it’s rude to talk about Shelby like that when you know she wants to wait till marriage… It’s fucking weird” Toni said with a clenched jaw. Her friends could see the anger in her face and decided to just wait for the storm to pass. Toni continued her rant, “Plus Andrew is a dick. I don’t understand how you guys like him.”

“Oh, that’s what this is about” Fatin nodded her head.

“What, do you disagree with me? He is a total dick and you just sit around making jokes about ‘what a great couple they are’.” Toni mocked, making air quotes with her fingers. “He is a fucking asshole to her!” Toni’s words were fueling her own anger.

“Yeah, cause you have never been anything but nice to her, right?” Rachel said, growing irritated by her fellow athlete’s temper. 

“Fuck you” Toni yelled, “It’s not the same and you know it.”

“I don’t know Toni,” Martha started, careful to keep her tone soft, “Rachel is kinda right, I don’t think you get to attack Andrew like that”, she tried to reason with her friend but her words had the opposite result of what she wanted.

Toni slammed her fist on the table “She fucking flinches when he fucking touches her!”. Her friends disregard for what she saw as very clear red flags infuriated her. “Did you even notice it or do you just not give a fuck?” she added, slightly calmer this time.

“No… you seem to be paying more attention to Shelby than us” Fatin was the first to speak.

“God! Can you take something seriously for once in your life?” Toni snapped.

“Okay, Toni, calm the fuck down please.” Dot intervened not wanting to let her friends jump on each other’s throats. “You are right, okay? I don’t like Andrew either. I don’t trust him. But there is not much we can do, sadly”.

“Yeah, as long as Shelby thinks good of him, she won’t really listen to our concerns. It’s not like we never voiced them, even before he visited.” Leah explained.

Toni rolled her eyes, not wanting to admit defeat. Her rage had subsided significantly after seeing her friends take her side. She was glad to see she wasn’t the only one who cared. She just felt sad and frustrated she couldn’t take action. 

“Look, he is leaving today” Martha tried to comfort her, “He can’t do anything to hurt her from Texas”. Toni wasn’t completely sold on the idea, but it did help kill some of her worries. As long as Andrew was around, she couldn’t help but feel on edge. It was silly of her, she knew it, she shouldn’t care that much about him. Shelby was perfectly capable of taking care of herself; she didn’t need or want her help. And yet, Toni couldn’t shake this unnerving feeling away.

“Whatever, it’s not like I give a shit.” Toni replied dismissively “I just thought you guys should know because you are her friends and all”. She avoided eye contact with her friends and picked up her fork again, hoping they would go along with it and drop the conversation. The rest of the girls picked up on her body language and let Toni wander off in her thoughts. She looked at her plate; there were a few bites still left on it but her appetite was gone. She looked at Martha. The girl had the purest smile on her face talking to her friends. Her positive mindset never failed to amaze Toni.

“Hey, Marty, what are you doing later?” she asked her friend.

“I am gonna go to the library to do homework. You can join if you want.” Martha answered.

“Nah, I can’t… one of my teammates wanted to move some stuff in her room and I promised I would help her. But what are you doing later?”

“I don’t know, nothing I guess”

“Could we hang out then? After you finish your work.” Toni asked shyly. “We haven’t properly hung out in a while”. She knew she had been distant recently and she felt bad keeping her best friend outside of her life.

“Yeah of course! I’ll text you when I am done.” Martha replied. She took a moment to study her friend before adding “And Toni you know you can always talk to me, right? About anything.”

Toni smiled at her friend. “Yeah, I know Marty. Same goes for you.” She finished her coffee, before using her teammate as an excuse to leave the table and saying goodbye to her friends.

… 

When Shelby made her plans to spend the day alone with Andrew, she was expecting it to be much more exciting than it ended up being. They started the day with breakfast at a small diner near campus. The food was delicious, Shelby couldn't complain, but as Andrew was talking about the quality of his coffee, she couldn’t help but wish she could get her usual green tea. The breakfast was only the start of their day; Shelby wanted to take Andrew on a walk around town and show him her favorite places. She showed him the local library and the town square with the beautiful fountain. They went to her favorite bookstore, as well. There was a full wall stacked with greeting cards of all sorts: some for graduations or for marriages, some wishing happy birthday, and others a fast recovery. Shelby loved reading them, finding the funniest one and the most emotional one.

“Oh, I love this one!” the girl said, showing her boyfriend a card with multiple cats drawn on it.

Andrew examined the card. “It’s just cats saying happy birthday,” he said unimpressed, “It’s not even anyone’s birthday.”

“Yeah, but the cats are cute” she tried to persuade him, but he just shrugged and turned his attention back to his phone. It was a struggle to get him to look up and actually engage in conversation sometimes. Shelby just put the card back and decided to move on with her tour. She wanted to take her boyfriend to the botanic garden north of the town. It was a lovely garden, filled with different kinds of cacti and trees native to California. It was a popular place for bird watchers and nature lovers. Some people liked to cruise through the park on their bikes, following the trail that continued for miles away from the town. The park was quiet as the couple walked around admiring the beauty of nature.

“I gotta admit this place is pretty,” Andrew said, leading Shelby to a gazebo nearby.

“Yeah, well, God only knows beautiful” the girl smiled as they sat down.

“I don’t know, I have seen some ugly faces in my life” he chuckled.

“Don’t be mean.” Shelby rolled her eyes and the boy just laughed and threw an arm around her pulling her closer. Shelby tried to get comfortable laying on his chest. She stopped to listen to the birds and the sounds of nature, trying to get lost in the moment and enjoy her time with Andrew. But the silence grew distressing instead of relaxing and she quickly became uncomfortable.

“So have you packed for your flight yet?” She asked, trying to hide her uneasiness in conversation. 

“Yeah, I didn’t bring much stuff anyway,” he said, putting his phone down to talk to her.

“What are you doing on your phone this much?” Shelby joked.

“Nothing just, um, texting… texting my friends” Andrew mumbled putting his phone in his pocket nervously. “Anyway… It was nice visiting you.” 

“Yeah, I am glad you did” the girl smiled and it felt like it took all of her energy to do that.

“Me too. Although I can’t say I was too glad to sleep on my friend’s couch” he chuckled. He moved closer to Shelby, turning his body towards her. “I just wish we could have spent more time together”, he said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear with his free hand. The girl looked up meeting his gaze, their faces now much closer. He leaned in finding Shelby’s lips. Shelby kissed him back. A familiar movement. She had kissed him before countless times, by now the action should be imprinted in her muscle memory. However, as if the year’s worth of experience was erased as soon as she felt his lips on hers, Shelby felt like an awkward middle schooler who didn’t know what to do on their first kiss. She was hyper-aware of the movements of her mouth and she suddenly had no idea where to place her arms. She tried to remember how she used to kiss Andrew and how it used to feel, trying hard to reconstruct the emotion. She wondered if she felt any different being in his arms before she left Texas, or if she always felt this numb. As she tried to recall how the kiss was supposed to feel, the only thought that her brain was able to form was the memory of Toni’s lips on hers and her arms around her waist. The thought short-circuited her brain and Shelby pulled back from Andrew sharply. She looked away trying to hide the momentary panic in her eyes. 

“Everything cool?” Andrew looked at her confused, slightly annoyed he had been pushed away like that.

“Yeah, sorry… I just remembered I have a paper to work on that I forgot” She came up with an excuse on the spot. She looked at the horizon, trying to organize her thoughts. She noticed the sun was starting to set. “It’s getting late. We should get going, you don’t want to miss your flight. ” Shelby jolted up from her seat forcing Andrew to follow her. All she could think about was the warmth of her bed and how badly she wanted to curl up under her blanket and fall asleep, leaving this day and all her problems behind.

… 

Toni could hear her heart beating loud, sitting next to Martha on the girl’s bed. It was late but they finally had time to hang out together. She was listening as her friend was describing her day to her, trying to come up with the right thing to say to keep the conversation going. She and Martha didn’t have much time for each other this past week. Between school and work and now Andrew’s visit, they didn’t have a chance to properly talk to each other. Toni wanted to tell her about what hell of a week she had and how lost she felt. She wanted to ask for advice, a sign towards the right direction. Martha always knew what the right thing to do was. She wished she could just lay next to her best friend and open her heart to her, but she would never betray Shelby’s trust like that. She just wished things were simpler.

“So yeah, that essay was kicking my butt, but I finished it and now I am free!” Martha finished talking about her day, “So what’s up with you?”

“What’s up with me?” Toni asked confused, “I am fine. Just the usual, you know… class, work, practice, repeat.” 

“That’s all? Nothing new happened? Nothing is bothering you?” Martha asked again, giving her friend a soft look. She didn’t believe Toni, she could see her friend was struggling, but she didn’t wanna pressure her. They would only discuss the issue with Toni’s consent.

Toni let out a heavy sigh dropping her shoulders down. “Just… it’s been kind of a shitty week,” she confessed.

“I am always here if you wanna talk about it” Martha reassured her. Toni looked at her friend not saying anything. Everything she was holding inside of her was piling up, filling up her lungs and closing up her throat.

“No it’s fine, it’s just… just school is stressing me out and everything has been so fucking crazy lately.” She finally let out. “The pressure is getting to me I guess. It’s just so fucking hard, you know?”

“School? The girls and I can always help you study” Her friend offered.

“No, not school, it’s fucking everything! I just keep fucking everything up I can’t do anything right.” Toni snapped, feeling a lump coming up in her throat.

“What happened, Toni?” Martha was concerned. It pained her to see her friend in this state. 

“I fucked up Marty.” She said and stopped to decide on her next words. “I… I met a girl... on tinder, she goes to school nearby. And she is really nice. And, um, lately I can’t stop thinking about her.” Toni paused, feeling her voice weakening, and took a breath. “But she doesn’t like me.”

“Hey, you don’t know that. Maybe she is just shy.” Martha tried to cheer up her friend.

“No, Marty, I do. She told me, we had an argument… I don’t think she wants anything to do with me” Toni’s voice came out shaky. She couldn’t hold back anymore, tears filling her eyes.

“Hey, come here.” Martha scooted closer and pulled her friend in her arms “I am sorry, I didn’t know. When did this happen? What did she say?”

“Like this week. One of the reasons I’ve been so tense.” Toni wiped the tears away and tried to regain her composure.

“I am so sorry, Toni. Why didn’t you tell me?” Martha asked.

“I don’t know… I guess I didn’t wanna say anything before I knew it was serious. And she isn’t really out anyway” Toni mumbled, “But it doesn’t matter cause it didn’t work out anyway.”

“Maybe that’s for the better. You know what they say… You gotta get a little rain before you see the rainbow” Martha said, tightening her hug.

“God, you are so cheesy” Toni laughed.

“Now this is better, no crying only smiles in this room,” Martha said, happy to hear her friend laugh. “And you still have your friends, anyway. You still have me and I will find you the perfect girl!”

Toni sat up straight still smiling, “Wait what? What are you planning?”

“I am gonna scroll through your tinder to find you the perfect match. Best friend approved.” Martha said, grabbing Toni’s phone. Her friend just watched her in silence intrigued to see how that would go.

“Okay let’s see… She is pretty, I am swiping right… Oh and her too!” Martha examined the profiles popping up on the screen.

“Oh no, not her, she is in one of my classes, it’s gonna be super awkward” Toni stopped her friend on the last swipe.

“But she has a bunny! Look at how cute it is!” Martha protested.

“No, Marty, I need to be able to ask for the homework” Toni chuckled.

“Fine… What about her?”

“Yeah no definitely not her… That’s a unicorn hunter.”

“What is that? Unicorns are nice.” Martha looked at her friend in confusion.

“She is looking for a third… to join her boyfriend and her” Toni laughed at her friend’s innocence.

“Oh, no we don’t want that… left!” Martha kept scrolling, very entertained by the process, “Ooo! I know this one! Her name is Hannah, she is in my biology class! Super nice.” she said swiping right. Toni’s phone lit up with a match notification popping up.

“It’s a match! I told you I would find you a girl! Hannah is great, she is a lovely person, too. I am sure you two will hit it off.” Martha celebrated. 

“Yeah, I am sure she is” Toni smiled tiredly. She appreciated Martha’s efforts but she wasn’t sure she had the energy to meet a new person. She could use a distraction, though, and tinder was never meant to be taken seriously anyway, she thought. Maybe this would finally make her stop thinking about the blonde girl.

“Okay, Mr. Steal Your Girl, enough with your womanizing business. What do you say we play some Uno?” Martha jumped up excited.

Toni burst out laughing “How the hell are you an 18-year-old college student? I swear you sound both like a middle-aged person trying to pass as a teenager and an eight-year-old kid at the time.”

“I am a woman of many talents,” Martha said and the two friends laughed in unison. In the midst of their laughter, the sound of keys opening the door drew their attention. Toni looked in the direction of the sound, her laughter immediately fading as she turned to see Shelby enter the room. 

“Oh hi, Shelby!” Martha cheered, “What’s up? How was your day with Andrew?”

“Um, hi.” the blonde girl greeted the friends with a surprised look on her face. “It was good… He left to catch his flight. What are you up to?” She asked, as casually as possible. Her eyes wandered in Toni’s direction meeting her gaze. She felt the brown eyes piercing through her skin. The glance couldn’t have lasted more than a second but Shelby felt her body burn under Toni’s stare and she looked away.

“We are playing Uno! Come join!” Martha answered, never losing her excitement.

“Actually, I was leaving.” Toni interrupted sharply “It’s late,” she said and got up from Martha’s bed, grabbing her jacket. 

“But what about Uno?” Martha pouted.

“I am sorry, another time.” Toni offered an apologetic smile and headed to the door. “Goodnight, Marty,” she said and looked at Shelby who averted her gaze, avoiding Toni’s eyes. With that, Toni left the room. Silence lingered in the room in her absence.

“So do you wanna play Uno?” Martha asked to distract from Toni’s dramatic exit.

“I am sorry, Martha” Shelby frowned apologetically “I am really tired, I think I will just go to bed.”

The girls got ready to go to sleep without exchanging any more words. After living together for weeks, they were accustomed to each other’s moods; they knew when to leave the other person alone and they were comfortable existing together in silence. Shelby turned off the lights and climbed on her bed. She looked at her roommate, who was under her blankets as well, silently scrolling through social media on her phone. Shelby remembered how happy she and Toni looked when she walked in. What were they discussing that made them laugh so loud, she wondered. She could not imagine any joke that would make her laugh right now. She was too lost in her own problems to appreciate a moment of joy with her friends, a feeling that Toni obviously did not share with her, she thought. Everything was spinning in her head, she didn’t know what to make of the situation. She raised her fingers to find the cross around her neck. She was taught from a very young age to turn to her faith when she was feeling down. She tightened the grip around her cross and mumbled a few words of comfort to herself; she made sure to not disturb Martha who was probably already asleep. 

“Father, I ask of You, Your guidance and grace. In the face of temptation, show me the way,” she let out a whisper, barely audible even to herself, “God, in Your wisdom, give me faith to be what you intended.” she said quietly, her gaze getting lost in the darkness of the room.

“God, in Your wisdom-” she repeated with a shaky breath, but her voice betrayed her, trading the words for a quiet sob. Shelby’s eyes filled with tears as they stared at the black ceiling. She cried in silence, desperately wishing that her roommate wouldn’t hear her. 

_ … Give me faith to be what you intended _

Shelby repeated the words again and again in her head until she finally let the night take over and fell asleep.

_ God, in Your wisdom, give me faith to be what you intended _

_ God, in Your wisdom, give me faith to be what you intended _

_ God, in Your wisdom... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i also made a chapter playlist as promised!   
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1QrQIZBEwjI0mmmvWDAWKF?si=slFB4oOyStqD2GhpU_IvTA


	6. That Feeling When Eden Was Lost

The week started like any other. Despite all, Toni’s schedule remained the same; class, work, practice, studying, repeat. She found comfort in her routine. There was a point in her life when nothing was given. Every night she would go to bed uncertain what the next day would bring. Now, she could walk back to her dorm with her eyes closed, knowing that her bed will be there waiting every time. And when she went to bed, she knew she would wake up to tens of notifications from her friends making plans and sending memes to each other. And most importantly she knew her friends would always be there. Not that she needed them, she knew how to take care of herself. But on certain moments, when she would laugh until she couldn't breathe sitting with her friends in the dining hall, or when Martha hugged her after a long day and she felt in peace with the world, on those moments she thought that maybe being alone wasn’t the most prosperous plan. 

Staying loyal to her routine, Toni waited for Rachel to finish her practice so they could go to the library together. The two girls played very different sports, but their teams had conditioning training together. There was a strong friendship between the swim team and the basketball team because of this. Toni loved their sports bromance; the two teams would always support each other during their games and they even organized parties together from time to time. Rachel’s practice started thirty minutes after Toni’s, so she would stay longer to wait for her friend. It was a great opportunity for some after-practice stretching. Rachel walked out of the locker room and the girls headed to the library to study. Martha and Nora were already there, apparently, and they had managed to find an empty study room, Toni learned. 

They walked through the library, passing by the tables with students quietly looking at the notes in their notebooks. Toni noticed how everyone had a drink of their choice next to their laptops; some had water bottles decorated with stickers all around, some had energy drinks in bright-colored cans and some simply had a cup of coffee from everyone’s favorite campus cafe. She smiled proudly knowing her classmates loved the drinks she made, proof being the number of people she and Mateo served. However, one person was missing from the line in front of the counter, during her shifts. Shelby was yet to show up to order her usual green tea. Toni never spent too much time with Shelby, since they hardly ever talked unless one of their friends was with them, but ever since their kiss, her interactions with the blonde had been getting fewer and fewer. Andrew had left for Texas two days ago and the girls had barely exchanged any words ever since. Toni wasn’t really sure how to talk to her when they were all hanging together with their friends, and Shelby would barely look at her. Every time Toni looked in her direction, she caught the girl looking away. It was frustrating, but she was training herself to ignore Shelby.

Rachel lead Toni through the library, finally finding their friends in a study room with glass walls. In the middle of the room, there was a big table full of papers. Martha and Nora were sitting in front of their laptops, reading something in silence, but, to Toni’s surprise, Shelby was also there sitting next to Martha.

“I didn’t know you were here, too,” She said and the blonde girl looked up for the first time realizing there were now two more people in the room. She didn’t respond to Toni’s comment, she only smiled for a second before quickly looking down again, burying her face in her notes. Rachel moved next to her sister, leaving Toni to sit across the Texan. Toni wasn’t very pleased about the seating placement, but the truth is she wasn’t gonna be satisfied with any combination as long as Shelby was in her line of sight. 

“So how was practice?” Martha asked the athletes, taking a break from her homework.

“It was exhausting… I loved it” Rachel said with a smile.

“Or you are just a fucking masochist” Toni laughed. “So what are you guys working on?” she asked in order to avoid starting her own homework.

“Nora and I are working on a report for our biology lab. Boring stuff, you wouldn’t wanna know” Martha replied.

“And you?” Toni turned to Shelby. She wasn’t sure if small talk would make things more or less awkward, but they at least had to try to coexist in the same place naturally. For the sake of their friends if nothing else. 

“Some readings” Shelby mumbled back, without pulling her eyes away from her papers. Toni decided to stop her efforts to break the tension. It was clear the other girl wasn’t interested in conversation, so she pulled out her computer and books and tried to focus on her homework instead. The next hour passed awfully slow. 

The silence that prevailed in the room felt threatening to Toni. Her leg was bouncing nonstop as she was trying to read the pages in front of her. She had probably read the same paragraph more than five times but the words just couldn’t stay in her brain. Something about ethics and politics and terms she didn’t care to memorize at the moment. Instead, she put all of her energy into keeping her eyes on her screen and not letting them look up across the table. She didn’t want to give Shelby any attention, just to prove to herself she could. But a part of her wanted to look up just to check if she would catch the Texan looking away once again; just for the satisfaction of knowing that she wasn’t the only person struggling to concentrate on their work. After a while, she broke and finally glanced at Shelby, only to see her lost deep in thought focused on her homework. Toni was disappointed in herself for this lack of discipline. Shelby had been ignoring her for days and yet she still couldn’t keep her eyes away. She looked at her friends around the table to ground herself. They all had their concentrated faces on, and Toni felt embarrassed she was the only one procrastinating. Before she went back to her reading, she tossed a last glance at the blonde girl. This time Toni caught Shelby’s eyes quickly moving in any direction away from her own in order to avoid getting caught staring.  _ There it is,  _ she smirked to herself. Feeling a new wave of confidence overtaking, Toni was turning her attention back to her homework, when she got a Tinder notification. She had forgotten to mute her phone, a misstep she regretted right now, seeing everyone reacting to the sound.

“Oh! Is that Hannah?” Martha asked, having seen the push notification on the screen. Toni added not leaving her phone in her bag in her list of regrets. 

“Um, yeah… She texted me so we kinda started talking” she told her best friend.

“Who’s Hannah?” Shelby asked, making eye contact with Toni for the first time in what seemed like days.

Toni was surprised to see a reaction from her. “So now you are finally talking to me?” she raised her eyebrows.

“I wasn’t… whatever” Shelby decided against finishing her sentence.

“Hannah is a classmate of mine” Martha answered her friend’s question “And possibly Toni’s new girl?” she added doing a little shoulder wiggle.

“How long have you been talking already?” the Texan asked with a disapproving frown and Toni was taken aback by her sudden change of behavior.

“Like a few days? Why?” 

“Just… friendly curiosity” Shelby answered with one of her pageant smiles on. Toni let out a small laugh, a hint at how ridiculous she found the response.

“Well, you should go for it” Rachel joined the conversation, “Why not, right?”

“Right” Toni agreed.

“Anyway I am starving I am gonna go grab a snack from the vending machine, Nora wanna come with me?” the twin asked. Nora smiled brightly in agreement and the two sisters left the study room.

“Toni, I really think you should go for it. Hannah is so sweet and smart.” Martha brought them back to their previous conversation. “Shelby, you would love her, too, if you met her. She also likes theater! If Andrew were here, you could go on double dates!” the girl cheered but her friends did not share her excitement.

“Yeah, I would literally rather crash my skateboard and break every bone of my body” Toni deadpanned.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Marty” Shelby agreed.

“Well you two are grumpy today” Martha rolled her eyes, “Now excuse me but I have to go to the bathroom,” She said and got up from her chair. Toni followed her friend with her eyes as she left the room. As soon as she heard the sound of the door closing she turned to Shelby.

“Okay, what the fuck?” Toni snapped, “You ignore me for days and now you are all up in my business, acting fucking weird about it.”

“I am not ignoring you” Shelby protested, her voice remaining calm despite the brunette’s angry expression.

“Drop the act, Shelby, it’s just the two of us, no one else is here. Can you just be fucking honest with me for once?” Toni demanded. Shelby just crossed her arms and tightened her lips. “What do you want?” Toni pushed.

“What I want is to go back before I met you when things were simple,” Shelby said, restraint visible in her face. Toni chuckled softly and sat back in her chair, her face wincing as if she got poked with a needle. The door opened and Toni could hear the twins entering the room again, but she didn’t avert her attention from the blonde girl across her.

“Honestly… It’s painful to talk to you” She finally said.

“It’s painful to look at you” Shelby replied. Her expression was melancholic, almost as if she was pleading for mercy. Her eyes, usually bright and full of energy, now betrayed how tired she was.

“Damn, aren’t you two in a good mood?” Rachel joked finding her way back to her seat. Nora followed behind her holding a couple of bags of chips. Toni just rolled her eyes and picked up her phone, too frustrated to continue with her homework. She only returned to her work, after Martha came back and scolded her for procrastinating. The study session was torture but Toni managed to pull it through and actually do some work at the same time, with the help of Martha of course. She and Shelby didn’t exchange any other words that evening and Toni wondered how long this silence would last.

… 

Shelby had just walked out of the theater after her club’s Thursday meeting when Dot texted her to come by her room. Her friends were hanging out there, which was a weekly event at this point. She made her way to Dot’s and Leah’s dorm excited to see her friends. She desperately needed some chill time with her girlfriends after all the stress she has been going through. Dot opened the door and welcomed her fellow Texan.

“Hey, Dottie” Shelby pulled her friend into a hug as she entered the room.

“Hello hello, come in” Dot smiled, “Take a seat. You can do homework in the corner with Leah or I can offer you some alcohol from the fridge. What will it be?”

“I’ll pass, thank you,” Shelby said with a smile and walked over to sit by Fatin.

“What’s up girl?” her friend greeted her, “Have you been sleeping? You look terrible. I would give you some concealer for those eyebags but our complexion doesn’t match.”

“I am fine, just, um, school has been keeping up lately” Shelby gave an excuse to alleviate Fatin's concerns.

“How was drama club, Shelby?” Martha asked with a huge smile on her face. 

“It was wonderful!” Shelby replied, feeding off Martha’s joyful energy. They had a way of fuelling each other’s positivity, it was a roommate thing. “We are rehearsing Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream and I just know you would love it!”

“I can’t wait to watch you perform!” Martha exclaimed, before turning to the rest of the room “You guys better be there too”.

“Of course, we wouldn’t miss it for a thing,” Leah said from behind her books. 

Shelby couldn’t help but smile, her friends’ comments making her feel warm inside. She wasn’t used to receiving such genuine support, with no expectations or conditions. No snarky comments either.

“Wait, where is Toni?” the blonde said, looking around the room searching for the face that has been troubling her mind for the past month. She noticed Fatin looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

“What?” Shelby asked.

“I didn’t say anything,” Fatin smirked. Shelby looked at her puzzled but she didn’t have a chance to further question her friend’s expression when Rachel spoke.

“Toni is on a date with that Hannah girl” the athlete grinned mischievously, “But maybe she will come by later”.

“Or maybe her date will last through the night” Nora chuckled, making the room laugh.

“It’s a Thursday night, it’s a weekday,” Shelby said unamused.

“People can have sex any day of the week, Shelby. It’s not like Sunday service” Fatin teased her friend, an action that was left unappreciated. 

“No, she said she is coming by” Dot cleared the situation.

“One more person off the singles list” Leah chimed in. 

“Isn’t it a bit fast for that? I mean it’s only one date” Shelby pointed out.

“I mean Toni is a lesbian, nothing is too fast, but anyway fine, you can stay being alone on the list with Nora” Leah corrected her statement.

“Wait so you and Quinn are a thing now? Officially?” Fatin exclaimed.

“I mean… kinda… yeah” Nora smiled shyly.

“Oh, that is so sweet! We are so happy for you Nora.” Martha cheered, “You should introduce him to us sometime.”

“Well… he doesn’t do great with big groups… or smaller ones. But you’ll meet him someday.” Nora replied.

“That’s totally okay. Maybe we can study together sometime if he wants.” Martha smiled softly.

Shelby’s positive attitude was at the strongest it had been this week, but now it was starting to fade away. She still put up a smile for her friends, but it didn’t come to her as naturally as when she first entered the room. 

“So how is Andrew doing?” Fatin asked her and Shelby realized she hadn’t texted him the past couple days.

“He is okay” she answered vaguely and before Fatin got a chance to grill her for more answers there was a knock on the door. Dot got up and opened the door. 

“What’s up, guys?” Toni greeted. She entered the room with an air of confidence so strong that anyone would turn and stare at her in awe, Shelby thought. Toni dropped her stuff on the floor and sat down, finally spotting Shelby in the room. “Oh hi… haven’t seen you lately” she smirked at the blonde girl. She had accepted by now that Shelby wouldn’t show up during her shifts anymore as she was clearly avoiding her, but she was having a good day and she wouldn’t let anything ruin it. Shelby just gave her one of her signature smiles, but Toni had learned to look in her eyes instead since they were usually the only place where her mask cracked. And her eyes betrayed a hint of discontent.

“Sooo… How was your date, dude?” Rachel asked her friend.

Toni leaned back with a smile “It was good. It was fun.”

“How much fun?” Fatin asked suggestively. Toni just laughed and shrugged. 

Shelby was annoyed by Toni’s smug look, but she was even more annoyed that she couldn’t ignore it. “You are such a fuckboy” She blurted.

“You say your prayers with that mouth?” Toni whistled. She was surprised by Shelby’s words, but the truth was she liked getting a reaction out of her. She liked knowing she could get under her skin so easily. 

“I don’t think I have ever heard you swear before, Shelby. Good for you.” Dot chuckled.

“I guess I bring out the worst of you” Toni smirked knowingly, her eyes locked on Shelby’s. The girl didn’t react, but Toni could see how every single muscle on her body tensed up. If Martha knew, she would probably scold her for trying to provoke Shelby. But Martha didn’t know, and Toni felt like she deserved to have some fun after all Shelby put her through.

“So will there be a second date?” Leah asked, bringing the conversation back to Hannah.

“I don’t know, maybe… Wait, are you still studying?’ Toni said, looking for a way to deflect the question. 

“She is right, Leah. Just call it a day already.” Fatin said, “You need to rest”.

“Yeah, just let me finish this chapter. It's important,” Leah protested, clutching onto her book, but Rachel jumped up and grabbed it out of Leah’s hands in a swift move.

“Hey come on!” Leah groaned.

“You heard Fatin. You should take care of yourself. You don’t even have class tomorrow.” Rachel said, keeping the book behind her back. Leah didn’t always enjoy when her friends acted like concerned parents, but she knew it came from a place of love. Sometimes they seemed to be better at being concerned parents than her actual parents. It was endearing to see them care like that.

“Okay fine. No more reading.” Leah gave in. She paused to look around at her friends, admiring their presence. “Thanks for caring guys, I know I can be a pain in the ass,” she added with a warm smile that earned her a small hug from Nora.

“Of course Leah. That’s what friends are for.” Martha reassured her, “We are all each other’s problem.”

“False, I am no one's problem.” Toni disagreed.

Shelby scoffed “Well, you’ve certainly caused a lot of problems in my life”

“Fuck, here we go again” Dot sighed.

“The feeling is mutual” Toni shot back. If Shelby was looking for a fight, then she was happy to provide. But the blonde girl didn’t get angry at Toni’s jab. In fact, Toni would swear she saw her smile for a split second, her eyes glowing with the tiniest spark of hope before it faded away as soon as it appeared. It threw Toni off. Once again she felt in the dark, not being able to understand what was going through Shelby’s mind. “Shit, you really get on my nerves sometimes,” Toni growled.

“Sometimes? It seems to be a full-time job for you on the other hand” Shelby scorned. Toni would be impressed at how many comebacks the Texan had under her sleeve, if she wasn’t angry she was the target of them. Lately, every time Shelby said something, she would get riled up one way or another. Maybe it was her accent, Toni thought.

“Okay girls, let’s end it here” Dot tried to calm the spirits down.

“No, no let them” Fatin whispered, intrigued to see where this would end. 

Toni didn’t care to listen to her friends though. “If I bother you this much, why the fuck don’t you do something about it?” she taunted. She was starting to get tired of their back and forths. 

Shelby took a moment before she replied, “Maybe I will”. She smiled again but this time her smile was different. It was small and discrete, it was for her only. Toni just happened to see it and it only confused her more.

“Cool,” the brunette said, her voice riddled with uncertainty. She wasn’t sure what had just happened, how this conversation evolved, or to what it evolved. But for some reason, she had a good feeling about it, and Toni was never one to not listen to her gut instincts. 

When Shelby got in her bed that night, the emotion that prevailed in her heart was fear. She was scared because for perhaps the first time she wasn’t sure what the next step for her was. Her life thus far had been very predictable. Her parents hadn’t given her many options. She would excel at school, go to college, get married before 25 and dedicate her life to her family and church, just like her mom had done. Everything was mapped out already. She knew every step she had to take until she reached the house with the white picket fence. But somewhere down the path, she stopped to look at how far she had come and she realized she didn’t want to keep going forward. She got sidetracked by a pair of brown eyes, lit by a fire behind them that could burn any man who got in their way. And she realized she liked the warmth of that fire too much to let it fade away. 

Shelby picked up her phone and opened her messages. She clicked Andrew’s name on her screen and looked at the texts they had shared. The last one was from days ago. It was embarrassing, Shelby thought. They were supposed to be in love and they couldn’t even talk to each other on a regular basis. She wondered if he was asleep or if he was somewhere out partying. A normal couple would probably text each other goodnight with a bunch of heart emojis and there she was, under her blanket in the darkroom, not even knowing what her boyfriend was doing. It’s been two days and she hadn’t even thought of texting him. He didn’t either. Shelby knew he was probably cheating. She knew because of the way her high school classmates would whisper around them. It should be humiliating, she thought. To have the person who promised to love you, betray you like that. But she didn’t feel betrayed. She didn’t feel bad, she didn’t feel anything. And as she wrote her message to him in the middle of the night, she didn’t feel bad about that either.

_ I want to break up. I can’t do this anymore sorry. _

As she typed the words, her heart beat so loud she was scared it would wake up Martha. She wanted to hit send and leave it all behind, but something inside her wouldn’t let her. Giving up Andrew meant giving up her security. As long as he was there, no one asked her questions, no one expected more from her. She was afraid to lose the safety he provided, she was afraid of what consequences that could have. She couldn’t do it, so she texted Leah instead, guessing she wouldn't be sleeping yet. 

_ Are you still awake? _

Leah had her own demons that kept her up late. Shelby knew she had gone through her own battles and it had left her broken. She knew about a guy named Jeffrey, an author of some sort. Leah didn’t like to talk about him and the girls didn’t ask too many questions. She was recovering though, and her friends were so happy to see her grow into a new, happier, version of herself. Shelby’s guess was right, her friend was typing back.

_ yeah _

_ what’s up? _

_ Nothing, I just can’t sleep _

_ having a nightmare lol? _

_ Yeah… kinda. I guess I am scared _

_ of what? _

_ I don’t know _

_ Love? _

_ Or not finding it _

_ aren’t we all? _

_ Yeah…  _

_ we’ll find it _

_ and if we don’t we always have each other to complain about it _

_ Right _

_ Thank you Leah _

_ anytime _

  
  


Shelby went back to her conversation with Andrew. She read her text again. It was a long time coming, she had been needing to do this. She was alone now, whole states away from Andrew and their hometown. And her parents. If there was ever a time she could make her own decisions it was now. She took a deep breath and hit the send button. When her finger touched the screen, time froze only for a second. Her mind was blank, she didn’t dare to think about what she had just done. When the clock started again, she immediately closed her phone and put it on her nightstand. Her heartbeat was dangerously fast, but Shelby felt relief. A burden was finally lifted off her shoulders. For the first time in a while, she could breathe freely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by Hozier's Be. The playlist for this chapter is kinda all over the place and i don't love it but here it is anyway  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ozDEZ39RMR7sJcmKMp3qI?si=TM1aiVoYQvWN9VoonlDY3Q
> 
> Honestly, I've been only listening to liability ever since the euphoria special came out
> 
> hope you enjoy <3


	7. Can I Waste All Your Time Here On The Sidewalk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 7 playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3yxMDpVLrTPbTF3u19RwVB?si=CdGZwhaMQiKm00bi0hmP_Q  
> 

Toni was sitting on the counter watching her friends move around the communal kitchen in their dorm. Nora and Leah were baking cookies, as a way to celebrate the end of the week and Rachel and Fatin were also there, helping them, mainly following Nora’s instructions. Fatin found an opportunity to clock out of her duties as Nora was explaining something to her sister, who wasn’t very pleased about receiving directions. She quietly moved away from her friends and leaned on the counter next to Toni. 

“You are not gonna help?” Toni asked her friend.

“You are the one to talk… I don’t see you doing anything” Fatin replied.

“I really don’t want to get in between the twins arguing” Toni said watching Nora and Rachel bicker at each other about the shape of the cookies, or the amount of ingredients in the mix, or any other detail. 

“Understandable” Fatin agreed, “Leah seems to be doing fine. She has a way with them both.”

“And you have a way with Leah” Toni noted.

“Yeah…” Fatin smiled before adding “So how have you been doing?”

“I am good… You know the usual. Nothing exciting.” Toni answered looking down. “We have our first game next week, I guess that’s something”

“To be real with you, I never got the whole sports thing. Running up and down and getting sweaty sounds horrible.” Fatin said, “But I will admit it’s sexy watching other people do it” she added and the two girls laughed. Fatin gave Toni an examining look. “So how is the Hannah thing going?”

“What?” Toni took a second to process the question, “Oh, um… Fine, I guess. Whatever happens, happens you know? I mean, if anything happens… ”

“Oh, that’s a fucking specific answer” Fatin teased.

Toni shrugged “I don’t know, I am just not looking for anything right now I guess.”

“I see…” Fatin said observing her friend, “And how are things with Martha?”

“Good… Martha and I are great, why would we not be fine?” Toni asked, confused. “Why all these questions, what’s the interrogation for?” She joked, trying to make sense of her friend’s behavior.

“I am just asking! Just being interested in my friends’ lives!” Fatin protested. Toni didn’t say anything, she just looked at Nora who was now putting the cookies in the oven. “So everything is cool with Martha” Fatin repeated, more as a statement than a question. 

Toni nodded in agreement “Yeah”.

Fatin moved to face Toni, turning her back to the rest of her friends, who were now getting a second batch of cookies ready. “And with Shelby?” She asked cautiously. 

Toni turned her head sharply to look at her friend, startled by the question. So that was the reason for this whole interrogation, she thought. “What about Shelby?” she answered, tightening her lips. 

Fatin took a deep breath. “Okay, I am gonna ask you a question. And you can lie if you want” she said lowering her voice so only Toni could hear her. “Do you like her? Like… like her?”

Toni didn’t answer right away. Her expression was stiff but her voice came out calm “No.”

“Okay. And… are you okay? These days, I mean.” Fatin continued.

“Yes” Toni answered nonchalantly. 

“How many lies was that?” Fatin asked with a smile, hoping to soften the conversation, and Toni just laughed.

“That’s up to you to figure out.” 

… 

Dot and Shelby were unfortunate enough to have Friday classes, but they found strength in the fact that at least they would go through it together. Shelby had always been a morning person, so she made sure that Dot would also wake up on time and show up in her lecture. After they both finished with their classes, they had made it a routine to grab an early lunch together: a small picnic on the quad. Shelby didn’t love having to get up for her class, but she appreciated every second she got with Dot. If you had told her Dot would be one of her closest friends when she first arrived in California, Shelby would have laughed. They seemed so different at first glance but circumstances brought them together and now Shelby wouldn’t want to imagine going through college life without Dot.

“I think I wanna get a TV,” Dot said as she stuffed her mouth with her lunch. Shelby was more reluctant with her food, playing around with the salad in front of her instead. 

“Why? You can watch everything on your laptop” The blonde questioned.

“Yeah, but video games. I wanna play on a big screen. I think my eyesight is going bad” Dot chuckled.

“You should probably go check it then” Shelby pointed out but her friend just shrugged. “Do you even have time to play video games? Don’t you have homework?” She continued.

“I suppose you are right on that.” Dot agreed, “If I buy a TV I don’t think I will ever do my homework again. Whatever I can just go to the gamer nights at the QRC.”

“The what?” Shelby asked, confused. 

“The QRC. Queer Resource Center” Dot explained, surprised by her friend’s confusion. “They organize gaming events from time to time. They call them gay-mer nights. The name’s a bit corny but at least there are video games.” Shelby looked at Dot without saying anything. Her friend tried to read her expression but she was unsure what to make of it. “You could come sometime if you want,” Dot offered.

Shelby shook her head. “I don’t know I am so busy all the time. I barely got time to sleep with school and everything,” she joked but Dot’s face looked concerned.

“Yeah about that…” Dot began, “You should take care of yourself more. You look like a zombie these days. Is everything okay?”

“I am fine, just… You know how school is.” Shelby shrugged avoiding eye contact. Dot took a moment to think over her response before she spoke.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. It’s your business. But just know that I am your friend, and I am here for you, you can always ask for help. Or if you just wanna talk I guess.” 

Shelby looked at the other girl. There was so much she wanted to tell her. She should be able to open up to Dot, she was the least judgmental person she knew and one of her best friends after all. But she choked on the words as they rose from her lungs. Shelby knew this feeling very well. It had always been easier to suffer in silence than to explain herself to others. But easy was the last word she would use to describe her life right now. 

“I broke up with Andrew.” She blurted without really thinking about it. She couldn’t hold it in anymore, even if she wanted to.

“Oh” Dot let out a surprised gasp. 

“Well, I didn’t… I mean, I did but… I will.” Shelby continued not really controlling what was coming out of her mouth. “I texted him I wanna break up, but a text is a text. We are gonna talk about it over the weekend. I am gonna break up with him.” She said, gaining confidence from hearing the words spoken out loud. 

“Okay” Dot nodded reassuringly, “How did you decide this? How are you feeling?”

“It’s been over a long time now. I just needed to pull the trigger.” Shelby sighed sadly, “You were right, you know… about the cheating. But it’s not even that, it’s… I just don’t care anymore. Not sure he ever did… ” 

“I get that… I am glad you made the decision” Dot smiled, “I think it’s for the best. You deserve better.” 

“Better” Shelby chuckled, “I don’t even know what that would look like.”

“Well, firstly, you would actually care about them.” Dot pointed out, “And most importantly, they would care about you.”

“Yeah” Shelby sighed, not really believing that was possible. “Anyway, could you please not tell the girls about this?” she pleaded. “I wanna let them know after I actually talk to Andrew and it’s official.”

“Of course! I am not saying anything”

“Thanks, Dottie,” Shelby said sincerely. 

“Anytime” the girl said and diverted her attention to her phone, “Fatin says they are at Nora’s room and they baked cookies. We should go before they finish them.” 

When the Texans arrived at Nora’s dorm, they found their friends messing around the communal kitchen.

“Dorothy!” Fatin yelled as soon as she saw her friend and rushed to hug her. The girls were greeted by everyone and Nora offered them cookies, which Shelby politely declined.

“Don’t worry Shelby we didn’t poison them” Rachel joked, “I made sure to keep Toni away from the kitchen.” At the mention of her name, Shelby glanced at Toni across the room before replying to Rachel with a measured smile “We already ate that’s all.”

Dot didn’t seem to agree, though, as she hopped towards the tray. “We can still eat again. This counts as dessert,” she said and grabbed a couple of cookies. 

“Dot knows what’s up” Toni laughed, “Can you bring me a cookie too?”

“Anyway!” Fatin exclaimed, drawing everyone’s attention, “Enough with the cookies, let’s talk about what is actually important. Tonight’s party plans!” 

“It looks like you’ve already made them” Rachel commented, waiting for Fatin to continue.

“You are right!” she started, “The water polo team is having a party tonight at Ethan’s suite and we are invited so...” 

“Who the fuck is Ethan?” Toni asked.

“A guy I am fucking” Fatin looked at her as if the answer was the most obvious thing. “Everyone is gonna be there and Ethan told me to bring friends, so don’t be fucking lame about it please.” She said and looked around waiting for her friends’ reactions.

“Fine, whatever, water sports solidarity” Rachel gave in first.

“I am always with you” Dot said, chewing her cookie, and Leah agreed. Fatin smiled brightly feeling successful and looked at the rest of the girls impatiently.

“I don’t know if I am in the mood to party,” Shelby said hesitantly. 

“Fought with your boyfriend again?” Toni mumbled bitterly, mostly to herself, but Shelby shot her an angry look momentarily that let her know she heard it. She turned to Fatin in an attempt to avoid whatever could possibly come after that look, “I am in. I really need a party tonight.”

“Awesome! Works great!” Fatin said, excited.

“Maybe Hannah will be there too” Rachel raised her eyebrows. Toni looked at her friend processing what she heard, looking for something to say back. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the possibility of meeting Hannah. They had been texting for a few days now and their date went better than Toni initially anticipated. They had fun and Hannah seemed a very nice person to be around, but Toni couldn’t help but feel guilty. She was worried she was wasting Hannah’s time. 

She didn’t have time to come up with an answer when Leah asked “So what’s the deal with Hannah? Is she nice? How are things going?”

“Um, good… great” Toni stammered. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the truth either. “She is very nice. She got Martha’s stamp of approval after all” she joked. 

“You should introduce her to us then” Shelby proposed. Her words sounded welcoming but her expression was dark and her eyes shot daggers. 

“After our fifth date, I will” Toni answered, matching the look Shelby gave her.

“You think it’s gonna go that far?” the blonde girl asked, trying to sound casual.

“Give me a reason for it not to” Toni threw back. She looked at Shelby waiting for her to launch an attack. Shelby would make a snarky comment, Toni would answer, upping the aggressiveness and they would argue again until their friends, tired of their shit, intervened. That’s what always happened, it was like clockwork. It was either that or… or Shelby would actually give her a reason to break it off with Hannah. But she would never do that, Toni thought. Shelby took a breath and opened her mouth to say something and Toni got ready to snap back at her. But before Shelby could say a word, her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and sighed.

“Time for the daily parental check” She said and left the room to speak in privacy. Toni watched her as she walked outside. After Shelby passed the door, Toni turned around and looked at Fatin who just rolled her eyes at her.

… 

Toni arrived at the party with Martha after Fatin texted her the location. They could hear the music playing loud before they entered the suite. Some guy from the water polo team let them in and Toni looked around examining the space around her. It was a typical college living room: An old couch in the middle of the room, a small coffee table, colored LED lights illuminating the suite, and of course a long table in the middle of the room, existing only for beer pong purposes. Toni made a face of disgust when she spotted a “Saturdays are for the boys” flag hanging on the wall.  _ Of fucking course.  _ She quickly moved past it, though, when she spotted Fatin, Leah, and Dot in the crowd. She grabbed Martha’s hand and led them to their friends. 

“Oh my god, hello, good evening!” Fatin yelled over the music when she saw them.

“Can’t believe you dragged us in a place with that flag” Toni said gesturing at the wall. Fatin just rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink.

“Good to see you here Martha” Dot smiled at her friend.

“Yeah! I don’t know how long I’ll stay though, it’s kinda intense” Martha said happily.

“Whatever you feel like. Tell us if you wanna leave” Leah offered. Toni looked around scanning the room. She saw a few familiar faces, but no one interesting enough to spark conversation. 

“Where are the twins?” she asked, noticing their absence.

“Rachel is in the kitchen, getting drinks with Shelby. Nora decided to stay in tonight” Dot explained, unknowingly answering the question Toni was too hesitant to ask. Toni debated whether she should also have a drink to help her ease up a little. 

Rachel approached them with Shelby following behind her.

“What’s up, party people?” she grinned, with a cup in her hand.

“I thought athletes weren’t allowed to drink,” Leah teased her.

“It’s only one drink” Rachel justified herself, “And Shelby made it super light anyway, don’t worry” She smirked back at Leah.

“Wait, Shelby made you a drink?” Toni asked shocked, “I didn’t know you were that accustomed to alcohol” She laughed turning to Shelby. Toni had only ever seen her drink after someone else, usually Dot, offered her a cup. Shelby taking the initiative to fix herself a drink was very surprising, let alone make drinks for others.

“Do you think it’s hard to pour vodka into a cup, Toni?” The blonde girl answered with a question and a mocking smile. 

Toni chuckled, deciding to have that drink after all. “Well then, could you make me a drink too?” 

“I am sure you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself” Shelby said with her signature smile on and raised her eyebrows. Toni didn’t say anything, she just watched her as she raised her cup to her lips, unsure if she was annoyed at Shelby for constantly taking jabs at her or at herself for secretly finding it attractive. She shook the thought out of her head and went to get a drink. She was still feeling bitter about the whole situation with Shelby, even though it had been almost a week since their discussion on the balcony and double the time since Shelby had kissed her. Two weeks of being ignored. It was unfair, Toni deserved an explanation. But she wasn’t gonna dwell on it, she was at a party; Loud music, people dancing, she would enjoy her night. And so she did. She got her drink and went back to her friends. She danced with Martha, who was having the time of her life, and the rest of her friends. The combination of the low lights and the energy of everyone moving in sync with the music, which was loud enough to cover the sound of your own thoughts, was intoxicating in and of itself. Toni didn’t even need to finish her first drink to feel the rush of adrenaline, and so skipped on the next rounds of alcohol that her friends indulged in. Toni wasn’t sure how much time she had been dancing when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see Hannah looking good as ever. The girl shouted something to her but Toni could barely make out what it was. She squeezed Martha’s arm to let her know she was leaving and followed Hannah away from the dancefloor. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here” Hannah smiled moving closer so Toni could hear her. 

“What, did you not have me for a party person?” Toni laughed.

“Nah, I didn’t know you hang out with sports dudebros.”

“A party is a party… Plus I am a sports dudebro, I am on the basketball team, remember?”

“Oh don’t worry I didn’t forget” Hannah smirked. Toni smiled feeling more at ease. It was a party and everyone was there to have fun. Toni could enjoy herself without worrying about leaving her friends or saying the wrong thing to Hannah. That’s what the other girl wanted, too, she thought. To simply enjoy her night. And so they sat in the back of the room in each other’s company. They shared a few jokes, Hannah laughed moving closer to Toni, Toni leaned in to listen better over the music and the girls laughed and talked and Toni’s mind was calm for the first time in a while. And when Toni finished her drink, Hannah grabbed her arm and took them back to the dance floor. And as they danced, Toni relaxed and let the music take away all of her worries, and when Hannah leaned closer, she leaned in too and kissed her, enjoying the moment without caring about the next one. A fleeting thought passed her brain, wondering where her friends were and if they were having as much fun as she was, but she didn’t put in the effort to look for them, she only focused on Hannah’s body dancing against hers and her lips against her own. After a few moments, Hannah pulled back with a smile.

“I am gonna go get a drink, do you want one?” She said in Toni’s ear hoping to win over the music. Toni shook her head rejecting her offer and the girl headed to the bar alone. Toni stood in the middle of the dancefloor, moving around to the beat trying to not appear a total awkward mess while she waited for Hannah to come back. She didn’t have to spend too much time alone when she felt a hand resting on her shoulder.

“Hello there” Toni heard in a familiar southern accent that was more drawn out than usual. She turned to see the one and only blonde girl that had been torturing her thoughts lately. Shelby was swinging back and forth, using Toni’s shoulder to stabilize herself. She was holding a red solo cup in her other hand, and Toni could tell she had gone through multiple of those already. The image felt so bizarre in Toni's eyes, painted by a combination of elements that defied all of her expectations. She didn’t expect Shelby to approach her, she didn’t expect her to leave their friends in the first place, and she definitely did not expect to see Shelby this drunk. Ever. She didn’t know what to make of the situation. “Are you having fun?” the Texan asked.

Toni sighed realizing that whatever this was, it could not end well. “Where are the rest of the girls?” she asked.

Shelby smiled and shrugged, slightly losing her balance, “Somewhere dancing.” 

“Okay then go find them, I can’t do this right now” Toni said, looking around trying to find Dot or Leah or anyone that could deal with Shelby so she wouldn’t have to. But Shelby wasn’t listening.

“Let’s dance!” she said putting an arm around Toni’s neck but the brunette moved back letting it fall down. 

“No, I am not doing this tonight” Toni shook her head.

Shelby scoffed, “It’s so difficult with you!” she exclaimed with a small hint of anger in her voice. “Let’s have some fun, come on!” she added putting her big smile on again. 

Toni didn’t have time to answer when Hannah came back with her drink, and she could see her assessing the situation she walked into. She smiled politely at Shelby who did not care to return the gesture and then looked at Toni with a confused expression. The night could continue in a few different ways and it all depended on Toni now. She took a deep breath knowing she would regret her next actions no matter what decision she made. 

“I am sorry, I have to take care of this.” she gave Hannah an apologetic smile and dragged Shelby away, cursing her bad luck through her teeth. She had no hope of finding her friends in the crowded room, so she decided to hunt for a quiet spot instead. She found her way outside of the suite, firmly holding Shelby’s arm who was just following behind her clumsily. Toni stopped when they reached a courtyard, hoping that the fresh air would help Shelby sober up. They sat down on the steps by the door; the music from the party was faintly audible in the background. 

“It’s pretty here” Shelby slurred, looking up at the night sky. Now that they were away from the people and the noise, her intoxication was even more visible. Toni wasn’t happy about having to babysit her, but she wasn’t gonna let her wander around drunk off her ass in a room full of college athletes. She picked up her phone to send a distress signal in the group chat.

_ where are you guys?  _

_ i have Shelby here and she is trashed come pick her up _

_ at the courtyard outside _

_ hurry _

She lifted her eyes from her phone and looked at the girl beside her. “How fucking much did you drink?” she asked. Shelby looked so vulnerable, for a moment Toni thought about reaching out and just holding her in her arms. 

“However much I wanted. Why do you care?” Shelby answered bitterly and Toni immediately took back her thought. It was gonna be a long night.

“I care cause now I gotta take fucking care of you. You ruined my plans.” Toni said annoyed. 

Shelby rolled her eyes dramatically, “Your plans! God forbid” she laughed.

Toni stared at her confused, “What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Your plans were so boring! Find something more fun to do than… her” Shelby said

It was Toni’s turn to laugh, “Is getting completely fucked up to the point you can barely keep your fucking head in one place your idea of fun?” 

“Is sucking some random girl’s face your idea of fun?” Shelby shot back. “At least have the simple decency to not do it in public,” she frowned.

“Are you going all homophobic on me again?” Toni was left baffled. “We are in fucking California… On a college campus. I will kiss whoever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want.” 

“God, you are so stupid” the blonde laughed. 

“Fuck you” was all Toni had to say. Shelby didn’t answer, she just swung her head back to look at the sky, but the alcohol in her system made it hard to direct her movements with precision and she ended up falling on her back. She laughed and Toni left a long sigh before helping her back up. She put an arm behind Shelby’s back and pushed her up. Shelby leaned on Toni, letting her head fall onto the other girl. 

“Come on” Toni attempted to help the blonde girl sit up straight one more time, but Shelby grabbed her neck and leaned in for a kiss instead. Toni moved backwards, dodging Shelby’s lips.

“You don’t like me” the blonde girl frowned. 

“Shelby, you are fucking wasted” Toni furrowed her eyebrows. It would be a lie to say she hadn’t been wanting Shelby to kiss her again after that night, two weeks ago. But she didn’t want it like this. 

“Fine, go to Hannah then, or whatever her name is” Shelby yelled bitterly. 

“Jesus, Shelby” Toni yelled back, “You are being such an asshole right now.” She was supposed to have a fun care-free night and she ended up babysitting a drunk and bitter Shelby. She was supposed to be dancing with Hannah, getting distracted by all of her problems, and yet, here she was having to deal with them head-on.

“What? Isn’t this what you wanted? For me to be honest?” Shelby started, “Well here is me being honest! I don’t want to see you with her. Call me an asshole, call me selfish… I want you for me. There I said it! I want you.”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with that Shelby?” Toni snapped. Shelby was right, this is what she wanted to hear, but now that the words were spoken out loud, Toni was far from satisfied. 

“I don’t know!” Shelby yelled, “Say you want me too or say you don’t.”

Toni lost her cool. “Oh, now you deserve a straight answer huh? But when I was trying to figure what the fuck was going on, you were happy giving me the cold shoulder!”

“You asked me what I want and I told you!” Shelby shouted and a tear was visible in her eyes which were red from the drinks she had. 

“Yeah, and you won’t remember fucking shit tomorrow!” Toni snapped. She took a second to calm down before she continued, “So no, I won’t fucking talk to you about this when you are in this state.”

“Whatever!” Shelby groaned and turned her back to Toni. Toni looked at her in silence. She wanted to say something, the conversation did not feel finished to her. But there was no point trying to argue with a drunk Shelby or demanding an apology. It was even more pointless to ask Shelby to repeat her words tomorrow when she was sober. So she just didn’t say anything at all. 

The door behind them opened and Dot made an appearance, followed by Leah. 

“You took your fucking time” Toni said, getting up from the steps. 

“Sorry it’s not like I could hear my phone’s notifications in there” Dot said, nodding to the direction where the music was coming from. “How is she?” she asked, turning to Shelby. Toni looked at the blonde girl, who had her eyes closed and her head resting in her hands.

“Of course she is fucking sleeping now” Toni scoffed.

“I am not sleeping” Shelby mumbled, eyes still closed. 

Leah kneeled down next to her and took her hands in hers, forcing Shelby to look up. “Come on, let’s go back home, okay?” she said softly. She helped Shelby get up and held her as they walked back inside to stop her from stumbling.

“I have her keys, let's take her back to her room,” Dot told her roommate and then turned to Toni, “Everything okay with you?”

“No, actually everything is shit, my night was ruined” Toni complained, “But I am totally sober if that’s what you are asking, don’t worry about me.”

Dot offered an apologetic smile, “I am sorry about your night. Thanks for taking care of her, though. Really.” Toni nodded and Dot ran ahead to Leah and Shelby, leaving the courtyard.

Toni stood alone outside, listening to the muffled music through the walls. She debated going back to the party, but she decided against it. She was not in the mood to dance anymore and she would rather get sucked by a black hole rather than have to explain herself to Hannah right now. Or any other time. In fact, Toni decided it would be best to just avoid her from now on, for the sake of everyone. So the party was a no. She didn’t really wanna go to bed either, but she didn’t have a lot of other options, so she headed to her dorm. She walked the long way around campus, elongating her way home. She wanted this night to be over but she also dreaded the morning. The sun would either bring joy and relief, a ray of sunshine to pierce through Toni’s anguish or complete disappointment, staying in theme with the past few days. And Toni was scared to see which one it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while I know I am sorry... anyway hope you enjoyed it :)  
> title from "call it fate call it karma" by the strokes


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